Riding Trains
by Dhampir72
Summary: It’s over. Kagome Higurashi lost everything she ever cared about. Returning to the future, she rides the trains every Sunday, searching to fill the emptiness inside herself. And she finds something in the golden eyes of a familiar stranger. Semi-AU. I/K
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Riding Trains

**Summary**: It's over. Kagome Higurashi lost everything she ever cared about. Returning to the future, she rides the trains every Sunday, searching to fill the emptiness inside her. And she finds something in the golden eyes of a familiar stranger.

**Pairing**: Inuyasha/Kagome

**Genre**: Romance

**Rating**: PG-13

**Content**: Images of violence, nothing more.

**ACC**: Anticipated Chapter Count is at 20.

**Note**: This is the result of me falling in love with InuYasha all over again. I hope you enjoy. Very much inspired by Forthright's _Unexpected_ which is a fabulous story, as everyone knows, told in snippets and snapshots between the best pairing in the series.

**Legal Disclaimer**: Don't own it. Belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, you know the drill.

**pqpq**

It was on a Sunday in November, present day, present time, when Kagome Higurashi boarded the B-Line. Because of the early hour, there were very few people about and even less on her transport. She easily found a place to sit in a nearly-empty car and positioned herself in the most comfortable way possible for the trip. It wasn't that she was going anywhere in particular; it was just that she was going somewhere and that was enough at the moment. Across from her, a man sat reading. Close to the exit, a young girl with a piercing through her lower lip texted on her phone. At the very front, Kagome saw another man breezing through a tattered newspaper.

It was quiet and she was grateful. Too many things had created such noise in her mind that she needed the peace. Even the rumbling of the train down the tracks didn't bother her. She found it comforting, almost like a lullaby, as she sped away into the gray morning. Tokyo passed by in a blur of color and movement. Crowded, busy streets streamed by outside the window: ever-moving, never-sleeping Tokyo. It was the place where she had grown up and lived the better part of her life. She knew it had everything anyone could ever want, because it was a booming capital city, after all. But it didn't have what _she_ wanted.

Nothing would ever have what she wanted.

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she stared out the window, trying not to let her mind wander. She knew what would happen if it did and Kagome didn't think she could bear it again. It was bad enough that her sleep was plagued with memories; her daylight hours didn't need that darkness as well. But as the train moved through Tokyo's downtown and people got on or stepped off, Kagome could not stop that feeling from taking hold of her. Everyone was moving, going places, continuing onwards with their lives when hers had ended. It seemed unfair, almost mocking to her pain. They didn't know and they would never know what she had lost that day.

They would never care.

She gripped at her upper arms to keep from going back, not wanting to think about _them_. The dark-haired girl tried to push the images away: Shippou's light, cheerful laugh; Miroku's lecherous, grinning face still smiling despite the red handprint upon his cheek; Sango's indignant expression at the monk's cursed hand, but with affection shining strongly in her eyes; Kirara's loving purr against her cheek; Kaede's helpful, wrinkled hands. The last, Kagome willed herself not to think about. It made her heart clench up painfully tight, so tight that she couldn't breathe. She couldn't think about InuYasha.

She couldn't.

Tokyo passed by, the city melting into suburbs. Telephone wires black and webbed against the solemn sky. Inside, the lights flickered on to give passengers more illumination. It only served Kagome ill, as she could see her reflection more clearly in the glass. Sad eyes, worried brow, the frown that pulled at her lips unlike her usually chipper disposition. She sighed and did not wonder about the last time she had smiled with such carefree abandon, because she knew when it was. And that was when InuYasha was still alive.

Her tongue tasted bitter with memory.

The day dragged on until finally the clouds grew darker and night began to settle in, reminding Kagome that it was time for her to return home soon. After…everything that had happened, her mother wanted her close. Kagome didn't have the heart to tell her that staying at the shrine was the worst medicine: too confining and reminiscent of the past. Walking past that well everyday was just a painful reminder of what she had lost. Passing by the Goshinbuku every morning was just one more jab to her already open, bleeding wounds. It brought to mind _that day_ and she could barely stand, hit so hard with the realization of what it meant. Now, she knew there was nothing for her. There were no strong arms to hold her when she cried. No voice of comfort, a warm weight against her shoulder at night.

There was nothing except emptiness.

At the next station, Kagome got off and waited for the return train to bring her back to Tokyo. She stood huddled against the cold on the platform, her fingers numb and biting with chill. Although she could have gone inside, Kagome remained standing where she was. Her legs froze through her thin tights, but she stood with steadfast determination. The platform was empty, except for a dark-haired man who sat on a nearby bench. He did not look at her and she did not look at him. She wondered if he was punishing himself too.

The train finally came to a screeching halt in front of her. With a soft sigh, the doors opened and Kagome stepped into the warmth, dully looking for a place to sit. There were more people this time around, but she was still able to find a seat. The man from the platform sat across from her, his long legs stretching out into the aisle between them. She didn't look at him or anyone else in the car, staring at his shoes instead. They were different from one another, which was strange. One was red, the other black. Converse, with the edges peeling and laces frayed. Somehow, they remained as one, despite being two odd players in a game of matching pairs. Soon, more shoes joined the fray as the train made more frequent stops closer to the city. Some were shiny, others merely bright with neon colors. Some high-heeled, others male dress shoes, a few sneakers. There was a heavy scent of cologne, laundry detergent, cat food, and yakiniku. A soft murmur rose up from the many people as they spoke, to one another or on their cell phones. Everyone had someone, it seemed. Every shoe had its match, its pair, like every person had their person.

But what happened if one of them died? Kagome wondered. Was the other left without its match? What would the other do? Could it live without its partner? Instead of thinking about InuYasha, she tried to focus on something else, but everything brought up the same emotion of loss inside of her. Then, she thought about the man with the two mismatched shoes and wondered why she wanted to cry.

Eyes hot, she turned away and looked out the window. Not focusing on reflections, she stared at the city, the lights, the cars, everyone once again moving, moving forward without knowing what she had so unfairly lost. They did not know that their world was the way it was because of her. Because of him. Because of all of them. They didn't know and she wanted to scream at them, leading their content, boring lives. They didn't know what it meant: that their happiness was only possible because of her sadness and because of their sacrifice. They didn't know.

And they never, ever would.

She rubbed at her eyes, keeping her focus on the window instead of the people clustered around her, talking and laughing with their pairs and their shoes and all the stupid matches that they took for granted. She just continued to look into the night, past the face in the glass that was hers. Past the reflections in the glass that were theirs. But one face caught her attention and held it for the longest time.

InuYasha…her lips moved, the name silently spoken in the crowded compartment. She blinked and looked away, expecting his face to be gone, but when she glanced up again, it was _still there_. It was the dark-haired man from before, she realized, but instead of him staring down, he was looking up and elsewhere, standing in the middle of the aisle with his hand above his head, holding onto the hand clutch for balance. Kagome could not believe what she saw in the yellowed image: it was InuYasha's nose, his cheeks, jaw, brow, everything. Tilting her head slightly to observe him, she realized that the man even had the same length to his hair. She had to be imagining him, Kagome told herself, unable to move her eyes away from his figure that was so close, yet so far from her. And she wasn't sure if it was the light in the cabin, but his eyes were…the warmest shade of amber _like his had been_.

He must have caught her staring, because he turned his head slightly to look at her. She flushed when she came to the realization that she had been very openly gazing at him. But he didn't seem to be bothered by this and managed to give her the smallest of smiles before Kagome hastily looked down. His mismatched shoes reminded her of why she had taken to the window in the first place. So, she went back to the glass and watched as his reflection turned away from her again to look at whatever it was he had been observing before, almost disinterested. Her heart pounded stupidly fast in her chest as she watched him the entire way back to Tokyo. There was no way, no possible way that this could be happening. InuYasha was dead, she told herself, heart slowing with heavy despair. He had died in her arms protecting her. He was dead and there was no bringing him back. She was projecting her feelings on someone who she had never met before. It wasn't real.

None of it was real.

When the train arrived at her station, she left out of one door and he another. It was busy, loud, voices echoing against aluminum ceilings. He was going East, and she, West. It was a one-time thing, their meeting, she knew. It was doubtful she would ever see him again. But that didn't stop her from watching him walk away, wondering if it was possible for InuYasha's soul to find hers. If Kikyou had been reincarnated, what about him? InuYasha had said to her with his last breath _I'll find you again, Kagome. I promise._

She could not force her legs to walk West when his went East and she stood there for the longest time, staring after him in the crowd. At one point, she could have sworn he looked back at her, but it had to have been her imagination. After all, the slight silver shimmer to his hair had been all in her mind's eye, hadn't it?

And once he was gone, she walked West alone.

**pqpq**

Word count: 1,778


	2. Chapter 2

It was the following week when Kagome found herself walking the halls of her high school again. Somehow, during her time in the Sengoku Jidai, she had managed to study hard enough to receive entry into the high school close to home. All of her friends had gotten in as well, which was something very important to her, years ago. Now, she had college to think about, entrance exams to study for, and overall life-changing decisions to make. This was moving forward. It was everything she had always dreamed of when she was younger. But her priorities had changed after all the years she spent with InuYasha and the others. They had become her family, her loved ones, and she had been planning to inform everyone on both sides of time where she was going to live the rest of her life. It was going to be by InuYasha's side as his mate, his wife, his lover, for as long as they should live.

She never got the chance to tell anyone, not even InuYasha.

If she had, would it have changed anything? Would their lives be different just because Kagome would have said those words: _I'm staying with you forever_ to him, with all the meaning in the world? Would it have stopped Naraku from killing him, all of them, that day on such a bloody battlefield? No. The answer was no. Nothing would have changed at all.

"Hey, Kagome!" someone called from behind her. It sounded like Eri, so Kagome did her best to smile when she turned around to greet her friend.

"Hey, Eri," Kagome replied, smiling at the short-haired girl, although it didn't contain its usual warmth, Kagome knew. It was so hard to do so, but she knew that there were appearances to keep up. Even with her closest friends.

"We haven't seen you in a while," she commented. "How have you been? Ayumi and I called your house a dozen times. Your grandfather said you had Swine Flu!" Kagome couldn't believe that her _jiji _was still making up illnesses for her when she went back in time. She swallowed a lump in her throat, realizing that he would never have to cover for her again.

"N-No. I just had the flu. You know Gramps. He gets carried away sometimes," Kagome answered, trying to remain natural. Ayumi and Yuka turned the corner and spotted them, rushing over with similar greetings about her health and how long it had been since they'd last seen her.

"While you were gone, Hojo was a mess!" Ayumi told her.

"He was so worried about you! Why isn't he your boyfriend yet, anyway?" whined Yuka, in her usual manner.

"Because Kagome's still hung up on her two-timing, violent jerk-boyfriend, aren't you, Kagome?" Eri said, looking disappointed. Kagome tried not to let it sting, because it wasn't supposed to. But now that InuYasha was…was no longer a part of her life, Kagome did not want him spoken of so negatively.

"He's not," Kagome replied, some heat in her voice. Her friends quieted down, gazing at her with the most serious of expressions. "He's not a jerk or a two-timer or violent. He's perfect and I love him." This shocked her friends more than the tone of her voice. All three pairs of chocolate eyes widened at this revelation.

"If that's true, Kagome…why are you crying?" Eri asked.

"I'm not crying," Kagome said, her words cracked and broken. It reminded her of that day, when Miroku was killed before their eyes. Sango had cried out with the same amount of broken-hearted agony, only so terribly loud that it cut through Kagome like a knife. It was the same sort of voice that Kagome had used, softly, when she whispered to InuYasha: _please don't leave me_ as he closed his eyes for the last time. Her friends would never understand. Despite their warm hugs and affectionate pats to her hair, they would never, ever understand.

**pqpq**

Hojo found her after history, when she was leaving for the locker room to get her shoes and books that evening. He was just as tall as he had been, only his hair had gotten a bit longer and his boyish face had thinned out a bit, giving him a more serious look. However, his voice was still that playful, carefree tenor that Kagome could not shake. It did not waver time and time again, even when Kagome stood him up or when she left abruptly in his presence to return to InuYasha. Now, it was no different, except for the fact that Kagome had nowhere to run to. No _one_ to run to.

"Hi, Kagome," he said, still embarrassed around her despite the one-sided chase since they were in middle school.

"Hi, Hojo," she answered, focusing on her breathing, the buttons on his uniform, instead of his face. He wanted to ask her out. He wanted to go on a date, where the two of them would sit together and maybe he'd put his hand on her arm, or try to hold her hand, or even try to kiss her. It was everything that Kagome couldn't do. She couldn't do that even if she tried.

"I'm glad your case of Swine Flu cleared up. I was really worried. I did a bunch of research about it too, but since it's such a new disease, I couldn't find any remedies for it," Hojo explained, but handed her something anyway. It was a bottle of extra-strength vitamins. The man sure knew how to impress a girl. "It says that in order to fight off the virus, you need a strong immune system. Take two of those a day and drink a glass of orange juice and you'll be healthy in no time!"

"Thanks…Hojo, really," Kagome said, putting the plastic bottle into her bag. She managed to smile at him, but it was even more strained than before with her friends, who had told her it was okay to cry after her boyfriend dumped her. If only they knew…

"When you're feeling better, would you be up to maybe catching a movie with me sometime?" he asked, giving her that hopeful look that reminded Kagome too much of Shippou when he desperately wanted something sweet before dinner. She blinked back the tears and with them, the image of the kitsune's shredded, lifeless body on the frosty earth.

"Yeah, sure," she relented. "That sounds great." He probably would have hopped up and down if not in her presence. Kagome kept her eyes level with the button on his jacket, memorizing the insignia, the shine, the shadows, everything not to think about how much it was going to hurt when she went out with the boy before her.

"Great. Well, I hope you feel better soon!" Hojo said, giving her a wink, before walking in the direction of the boy's locker room. He was whistling.

"What have I done…?" Kagome murmured to herself, putting her head in her hands. It took her a long time to move from that spot and get her things. She did not ride her bike home. Instead, she pushed it along down the sidewalks, her gaze on the pavement below her loafers. The sky was pink and orange in the setting yellow of the sun by the time she reached home. Locking her bike on a rack at the bottom level of the shrine, Kagome then set to walking up the long flight of stairs towards her house, keeping her hands deep in the pockets of her coat to stay warm.

"I'm home," she said cheerlessly, upon walking through the sliding door.

"Welcome home," her mother called from the kitchen. Kagome removed her shoes with precise care and then entered the house in her slippers. "How was your day?" her mother inquired, when she passed by in the hallway.

"It was okay," Kagome replied, not looking up from the tatami mats on the floor. "I'm kind of tired. I'm going to bed. Don't wait up for me for dinner." Her mother said nothing as she walked by, taking the stairs at a slow pace towards the upper level. She soaked in the bath and then got into bed, setting her alarm for the following day. Homework untouched, she told herself she would do it in the morning. Because everything kept moving forward and the days did not care that she wanted everything to stop, just for a moment, to mourn what it had long forgotten.

**pqpq**

When Sunday arrived, Kagome snuck out of the house very early and walked the streets with her parka wrapped tightly around her. It took a half-hour to reach the train station, which she entered with a relieved sigh. Inside, warmth came back to her cheeks and fingertips, leaving her so flushed that she had to unzip her jacket to cool down. The place was practically empty at that time of morning. There was no work on Sunday or school, which left only travelers going home or returning from vacation as her company. Aimlessly, Kagome wandered the station until she came upon a map of the entire system. It was laid out in dizzying crisscrosses of purple, red, green, blue, and other shades of which she could not recall the names. There were a multitude of lines she could take that would fill up her day, but it was only about deciding which one would take her the furthest from this place.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, but Kagome came back to her senses when footsteps stopped very close to her. With a gentle tilt of her head, Kagome looked to her left. Starting from the floor, she realized she didn't have to move her eyes upward to know who it was. Red and black converse stared back at her, their odd coupling sending that question into her mind again: _what happens to the one when the other part of the pair disappears?_ She moved her eyes forward again, telling her heart that it wasn't him. It wasn't and couldn't be InuYasha. She had to stop tormenting herself. Maybe the D-Line would help her.

"You're the one from last Sunday, aren't you?" he asked suddenly. She nearly fell forward into the Plexiglas map with shock. How did he remember her? And even if he did, what was his purpose in talking to her? She looked at him and his lips flitted upwards in a brief smile, much like the one had had given her the last time they met. "Your eyes," he answered her unasked question. "They're memorable."

"You are too," she found herself replying before her mind could catch up with her tongue. After all, she'd never seen anyone with such golden eyes, except for…"You rode the B-Line and didn't get off the entire time," she added, to distract herself from those thoughts.

"You didn't either," he pointed out.

"I don't really care where I'm going," she said, shrugging a bit beneath the weight of her winter coat. It was true. She didn't care. She just wanted to go somewhere.

"Neither do I," he answered, turning his gaze back towards the map. They stood there looking at the board for a while longer before he finally said: "I think I'm going to Fukushimaken."

"Near Saitama?" Kagome clarified, searching for the route. She found its purple line, following it with her eyes. It was a long ride. And that was something she needed.

"Yeah. I heard it's nice this time of year," he said simply, before turning and walking away. She watched him go up to the nearest Vend-A-Card and put his coins in. Then, he punched in the numbers to receive his pass, which he collected from the slot at the bottom. Then, he was gone without another word, leaving Kagome standing there, flushed and confused. There had to be a reason why he mentioned what train he was taking, right? There had to be a reason for his presence in general and his eyes that were so familiar and the shoes that were both different, but seemed to fit so _right_ together.

She went to the machine as well and paid her fare, receiving the ticket from the bottom. Her fingers moved around it, grasping it, before she went in search of her train. He was already gone, so she could not follow. But a few minutes later, Kagome passed through the turn stall and found her train, spotting him sitting in a seat by the door, waiting. Without saying a word, she sat across from him. Her bag was on the seat beside her, against her leg, her parka open so that she could feel the cool breeze of outside air upon her chest. People came inside and at nine on the dot, the train rolled forward. It stopped several times at different places to let passengers on and off. All day this continued, but the two of them remained in their places across from one another. They did not look at each other and they did not speak the entire trip. Instead, Kagome found herself staring out the window at the world that was moving too quickly for her liking. When the train became crowded in the evening, Kagome stood beside the long-haired man, unspeaking. They rode in silence as the city passed them by, quietly exiting when they reached the correct station. Then they parted without a word.

He to the East and she to the West.

**pqpq**

Word Count: 2,258


	3. Chapter 3

No matter how many times Kagome told herself that the man on the train was not InuYasha and that she should not return to the station on the following Sunday, she would not listen. No matter how many times she told herself to forget him and to focus on her studies, her friends, building her _life_, she would not listen. There was something about the man who looked like InuYasha. Whenever she saw him, neither of them had to say a word. It was all there. And something like hope built up inside her in that silence. Maybe, just maybe, InuYasha had found her like he promised. Maybe this was her chance—their chance—to start over again. She knew it was a fragile hope, but it was the only thing that kept her smiling, albeit a tad weakly, for the next six days.

It would crush her heart if he wasn't what she hoped, but Kagome was willing to face that pain if it happened. In the meantime, she could only think of those golden eyes she thought she had left so far behind. She hoped, she prayed, that it was InuYasha and that she was not so traitorously abandoning his memory for the first person who caught her interest. But when she imagined the man from the train, she could see InuYasha there in his expression, flitting behind his familiar eyes.

There was something more to this than she knew and Kagome was determined to find out exactly what it was.

"I'm not a traitor," she said to her empty room on Sunday morning. Her bare feet were cold when they touched the floor and she recoiled from the chilly temperature. "I'm not a traitor at all." With more confidence, she placed her feet upon the floor and dressed, wondering where that day's train would take her. She quietly walked down the stairs while the house was still asleep, sliding open the back door.

"I'm leaving now," Kagome whispered over her shoulder, after she had tied up her boots and put on her coat. Then she closed the door and stepped out into the crisp, morning air. The stones on the ground were dazzling, coated in a fine layer of frost and the rooftops of their shrine, their _torii_ gate had the most surreal glimmer to them in the November sunshine. As she walked with care over the twinkling ground, her shadow cast a long silhouette in front of her. She stopped and stared at it, realizing that the tip of her head touched the base of the Goshinbuku. It stood tall and majestic before her in the weak, golden light. Even from where she was, she could see the smallest indent upon the tree, where InuYasha had been pinned for fifty long years.

She could not move, staring at that place, where everything had started. Kagome remembered when she was only fifteen and had fallen through the well back in time. From there, everything had moved so quickly, but she had kept up with the pace. She had her friends by her side and InuYasha's unwavering devotion to support her. And now, where was she?

Alone.

The well house behind her weighed heavily on her mind as she left the shrine in her wake. She walked again to the station, keeping her head down and gazed fixed upon the shadow that moved slowly counterclockwise. Numb with cold, Kagome bought herself a hot coffee from a nearby vending machine and then stood before the map, searching for the line she wanted to take that day. None of them looked particularly long, but that truly did not matter. It was just the journey the train took, where she could be still while everyone else moved, but she didn't _have_ to.

Ten minutes or so later, Kagome was joined in front of the board by the familiar stranger. He did not greet her and she did not greet him either. Chancing a look at him, she saw that he wore a wool hat: black, like his coat, his pants, and his shoes. Or at least one of them. The only true color on him was that striking red Converse. However, Kagome was in no position to judge, as she was in a matching shade of sable. It was mourning, she supposed, that made her choose such a color. But it was memory that made her choose the train for that day.

"I'm going to Nagoya," Kagome told him. He didn't say anything in return, but she watched as his head moved slightly, following the bright red line on the map. The crimson shoe tapped on the floor as he did this. It was the same as the color of the line on the board, the vermillion color of InuYasha's haori wrapped around her shoulders in a symbol of warmth and safety.

She did not want to think that it was also the color that had covered her hands, pressing against his chest in an attempt to stop the bleeding. It was the same color that had trickled from his lips as he said _I…love you, Kagome…I'll find you again, I promise…_

"Nagoya is nice," he conceded, after a moment of studying the map. She was gripping her aluminum can of coffee so tightly that Kagome thought she might pierce it through with her nails. But the sound of his voice calmed her tense nerves, bringing her back to the present with long, calming breaths. "It's only a few hours." He pointed at the last stop on the red line and she watched as his fingertip followed a yellow line that went further north. Kagome could tell that he was looking at her for approval and so, she nodded in assent. Without saying another word, they went to get their tickets from the machine and then found the correct train before boarding. He sat on the right side and she on the left. They were quiet as they watched the scenery go by, observing the people around them when there were small crowds of them, and when there was nothing much else to look at beyond the gray, Kagome spoke.

"Why do you ride the trains?" she asked.

"Why do you ride the trains?" he asked in reply. She actually smiled a little, reminded of the game she and InuYasha would knowingly play, where she would ask him a question and he would turn it right back to her. From there it was like a game of tennis to see who would give in first. After a while, it became less competitive and more along the lines of terms of endearment between the two of them. Outsiders looking in wouldn't understand, but they had, and that was enough.

"I asked you first," she pointed out. The corners of his lips picked up a bit, but nothing more.

"I don't really know," he admitted after a moment, looking off to the side. His fingernails scratched at the peeling gray paint on the seat idly. She could almost see the wheels working in his mind, searching for an answer. "See…the trains are all going somewhere. In comparison, I'm going absolutely nowhere. I guess…I just want a destination, like everyone else." She nodded in understanding, but did not press it any further. Her eyes moved from his face to beyond, staring at the power lines that dipped and rose in gentle waves in the distance.

"Why do you ride the trains, then?" he asked, when the silence had stretched between them for a while. She looked up at him, watching as a weak slant of sunlight broke through the clouds, casting itself across his face. It lit up his eyes in the most peculiar way, making them almost glow in the gray compartment.

"Because they take me away from everything else," she said simply. Kagome didn't want to divulge what it was she wanted to be taken away from, knowing too clearly exactly what it was that she was running from. What she wanted to _forget_, but what she wanted so desperately to remember. "For just one day… I feel like I'm free." The sun settled behind the clouds again, leaving them in a dull absence of color. Even his eyes had lost their vibrancy, darkened with what Kagome could only describe as empathy. He gave a short nod to her reply and said:

"That's a good reason."

**pqpq**

Word Count: 1,408


	4. Chapter 4

November blurred into December.

Had it truly been over a month since InuYasha and the others had died? Since Kagome had buried them on that snowy day outside of Kaede's village? Since Kagome had to return to the present era, forced to take up a normal life without them? She couldn't believe that it had been so long and didn't want to. It was so unreal to live in her time day in and day out. Everything that she had wanted when she had been going back and forth between worlds—eating breakfast with her family, hanging out with friends, having a social life outside of class—was now at her disposal. And she didn't _want_ it.

"Kagome," her mother said one morning, when she had been staring at her oatmeal for too long.

"Yes," Kagome replied, forcing herself to take another bite. It tasted like glue from having settled too long with not enough water. She did her best to chew, but Kagome couldn't get the motion correct for some reason.

"Are you alright?" she asked. Her brown eyes were concerned and there was a worried pinch to her brow.

"I'm fine," Kagome answered automatically, eyes moving down so that she didn't have to look at her troubled expression.

"Are you sure…you don't want to talk with someone?" she asked gently.

"I'm fine," Kagome said again. Beside her, Souta stopped in mid-chew to look between the two of them. The kitchen had gone silent. Even the sound of the television in the other room, where her grandfather was snoring lightly, seemed far away. Remote. The oatmeal tasted like sand.

"Where do you go all day on Sundays?" Ms. Higurashi asked, crossing her arms and appearing a bit sterner than usual.

"Nowhere," Kagome said.

"Nowhere," she repeated.

"Yeah, nowhere," Kagome replied, stirring her stiff breakfast with a disinterested gaze. She was trying to calm her heart, telling it to settle down so that the blood wasn't pumping, beating in her ears. She did not want to be angry, because anger wouldn't help. But she couldn't stand the prying anymore; the prying and her mother's assumption that everything was going to be alright. It was never going to be alright, Kagome knew. She just had to become accustomed to it. Adapting to such a cruel fate was not going to happen overnight.

"Kagome, I really think…that you should talk to someone about all of this," her mother said.

"What am I supposed to say, Mom? That everything sucks because all my friends were killed by a demon five-hundred years in the past?" she snapped, the anger peaking with her mother's insistence to seek medical help. Kagome felt like dying when she imagined herself, crying on a leather couch before a bespectacled man who would never understand. "That will get me committed for the rest of my life. Just let me get over it, okay?" Ms. Higurashi's lips pressed into a thin line and she said no more. Kagome put her spoon back into her bowl, declaring herself done before leaving the house.

_I'm sorry, Mom_ she thought, hurrying down the stairs towards the street. And she was sorry, because she knew that the slight wrinkles around her mother's eyes and the gray strands of hair were from worry. After all, Kagome was a time-traveler who found out it was her destiny to fight demons. If that wasn't stressful enough, the prospect of Kagome not coming home, devoured or tortured by ancient demons, was.

_I just need more time_.

Because it was slipping out of her fingers, like the pink dust of the Shikon no Tama, when she wished it out of existence.

**pqpq**

Math held no interest for her. Not that it ever did, she supposed. But algebra and geometry and trigonometry were so dull that she day-dreamed more than usual. Tapping her pencil on her desk, she passed the days by in class without keeping any attention on the subject in question. When she received a test, it was a surprise, because the formulas and equations she should have known, she didn't. But math didn't really matter anymore, Kagome decided, and continued to tap her eraser on the edge of her desk and gaze longingly out the window when Takeshi-sensei wasn't looking.

After this realization, Kagome declared that science, literature, and language were just as trivial. History only dug a wedge deeper into her chest, which made the class ten-times more painful than it had to be. When they spoke about the Sengoku Jidai, Kagome hummed to herself, singing songs in her head, sketching meaningless pictures in her notebook. Anything not to listen about the time she had been a part of. A time that she considered making her primary era.

Then, Kagome began to worry about herself a little more when she found that spending time with her friends was almost as meaningless as her school subjects. They were shallow, gossipy, and immature. Kagome couldn't believe that their biggest problems concerned make-up and the boys over in 2-D.

"We're going clubbing this weekend," Eri told her. "You should come. I have a dress that would look amazing on you."

"Um, I don't think so," Kagome said, poking at her lunch with disinterest. "I have a lot of stuff to do around the shrine."

"Maybe next weekend then," Ayumi said and Kagome nodded, trying to keep the stiffness out of it.

"Maybe," she replied, but with no surety.

"We'll invite Hojo!" Yuka said, unhelpfully. Her cheerfulness only annoyed Kagome, but she hid it well. The last thing she wanted to do was go clubbing, especially with Hojo tagging along. He would want to dance with her, put his arm around her, and then, most definitely kiss her, which made her push her lunch away, upset. But she didn't voice her dissatisfaction, flipping idly through her chemistry book while the other three discussed what they would wear and who from 3-C they could hook up with for a weekend of hitting the clubs and karaoke bars. When Friday came around, Kagome was more than thankful to return home, away from their endless chatter. She made sure that the cell phone her mother had given her remained off for the weekend, so that no one could bother her.

She spent Saturday on her homework, locked in her room as she poured over textbooks concerning the college entrance exams. Despite counseling in school, she did not know where she wanted to go, just much as she could not comprehend the words in the books before her. They were all formal, distant, cold, and meant the change of forward motion into her life that she could not shake. It was scary and she hated it, craving the simple life she had lived with everyone back in the past. She tried not to cry, because she had done too much of that.

No matter how many times her mother tried to get her to come out, she replied that she was busy and sent her away. Although Kagome knew it wasn't helping to shut her out, she just wanted her space. She wanted her time to heal without anyone prodding her, pressing her to do something, to smile more, to feel better. She couldn't feel better until the wounds scabbed over a bit. Only time could do that.

Time and a few more Sundays with the unnamed stranger.

**pqpq**

He was in front of the map when she arrived at the station on Sunday morning. She shook the small flakes of snow from her parka as she neared him. Like the times before, he did not acknowledge her presence, seemingly fixed upon the board before him. In his hand, he held a cardboard tray with two cups of coffee. When she stopped beside him, he tilted the tray towards her slightly in offering, not using words, and she accepted it just as silently.

"I'm going North today," he told her, pointing at a green line. It ran from their station through many others. They would be required to get on and off a few times, but after their second transfer, it was a straight shot North. Far North. "It's a long ride."

"Okay," Kagome agreed. After the week she had, she was glad for the extended ride. They went to their usual machine and ordered their tickets, taking the small cards and swiping them before the turn stalls. Then, she followed him towards the train that would take them along Honshu's Eastern shore, Northbound in the direction of Hokkaido. They sat on opposite sides of the aisle again, sipping coffee from orange Styrofoam containers. Some people entered, sat, and took the train to the outskirts of Tokyo before exiting. When they were cruising along the white countryside, the train was practically empty. In their own car, they were alone with empty cups and silent thoughts. Kagome stared at his shoes: the red and the black converse with the tattered, rough edges. They had to mean something, but she couldn't think of what.

"It's almost sad, isn't it?" he asked, after an hour spent in silence. He was looking out the window at the white landscape that rushed by. There was nothing except for the snow and the heavy gray clouds and the harsh, black shapes of telephone wires. "So desolate." She didn't comment, her eyes moving from the window behind him to _him_. They followed the curve of his jaw, the wave to his hair, the fine lines that cut into a severe v under the collar of his open jacket. She couldn't help but compare him to InuYasha, as almost every part of him reminded her in some way of the hanyou, who had meant more to her than anyone in the world. Her eyes fell guiltily, landing upon the dark material of his jeans, sliding over to the bag that rested beside him. From beneath the flap, Kagome saw the circular lens of a camera.

"Are you a photographer?" she asked, to change the subject.

"I used to be," he answered, not moving his gaze from the window.

"Used to be?" she repeated.

"Used to be," he said again, his eyes finally dropping to look at the camera beside him. With careful hands, he removed the Nikon from his bag, placing it upon his knees with a seemingly disappointed sigh. "I was hoping all this change of scenery would inspire me somehow. I want to take pictures again. Maybe write. I just want to do something. Anything at all."

"Searching for your muse?" Kagome asked, scrounging up a smile from somewhere inside of her.

"In a sense," he replied. She watched, almost enviously, as his fingers moved over the sleek buttons, the smooth curves of the digital camera. He had nice hands, just as InuYasha had. It took all of her might to push the recollection of him from her mind: the way his fingers felt against her flesh, so gentle that the tips of his claws grazed her skin with the most tender of care. She lowered her eyes to his shoes again, staring stubbornly at the fraying laces. He shifted slightly in his seat and sighed again, softer this time. "I've been searching for a long time."

"What happened to it?" Kagome asked, tilting her head curiously. When he didn't answer, she lifted her eyes to meet his. A wry smile had twisted onto his lips, the bitterness reaching his eyes.

"She died," he said, coldly.

The train seemed terribly loud after that. But she did not say anything and he did not say anything either. The rest of the trip was made in silence, quiet stares, and then a wordless goodbye.

He to the East and she to the West once more.

**pqpq**

Word Count: 1,966


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the wonderful reviews I have been receiving. I am glad everyone is enjoying this fic. Because of that, an early update for you!

**pqpq**

Another week went by.

It was getting colder, but everyone was festive at school, preparing for their winter holiday. Kagome felt like she couldn't breathe half of the time, seeing their merry faces while listening to their cheerful laughter as it echoed in the hallways. She tapped her pencil in math and hummed in history again, before Friday released her from the schedule she had come to abhor more than life at home.

Saturday was a lull that dragged on. With some confidence, Kagome stayed out of her room and lounged in the living area with Souta. He was playing Dance Dance Revolution with what had to be considered unrivaled skill. From her place on the couch, Kagome watched the colors go by, her ears filled with the bass and techno backbeats from the game. It blurred together, like Tokyo's streets at night. Like Ginza after dusk, where buildings were illuminated with neon and clubbers stalked the streets with glow sticks at the ready. Fast paced and Souta kept up, dancing without missing a beat. He moved forward without stumbling, without fear, and with eyes towards a hopeful future. Kagome felt slightly jealous.

That night, Kagome lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling for the longest time. Buyo came and joined her, stretching out across her feet. His purring was a steady constant and her toes tickled with the feel of his fur brushing against her skin. When she closed her eyes, she imagined _Kirara doing something similar to her before the fire pit in Kaede's home. Sango was looking rather serious as she repaired some of her weapons, but Kagome could see the gentle curve of her spine resting against Miroku, leaning against his strong arm. For once, his hand was not wandering and the monk seemed rather content with the position, despite its absence of lechery. Shippou stirred at the pot above the flames, listening to Kaede's instructions on which herbs to add when the time was right. Kirara meowed at the smell of the stew, jumping from Kagome's arms to Sango's lap, crawling up onto her shoulder with an adoring sound. Miroku made a face and made a comment about being ignored, bested by the small fire cat. From behind Kagome, there was a snort and a muttered response that only she could hear, making her smile, turn her head just the slightest to see him there: InuYasha was beside her in his red haori, Tetsusaiga casually resting against his shoulder. Miroku looked between them and asked what he had missed, but the two of them said nothing in reply. The kitsune began to cheer that his stew was ready and Sango's eyes narrowed marginally when Miroku's hand strayed lower from her waist. Amongst the noise that followed, InuYasha's hand settled itself over hers and she smiled. This was her family._

Her eyes opened. They felt wet and achy. In the darkness around her, she realized that Buyo was gone and that her mother must have come in and covered her up, shutting out the light as she went. Turning on her side, Kagome wiped at her eyes and cheeks. Her heart ached "with loneliness" as the cliché term declared. That was the only way to describe it. It was the sense of losing something so precious that being reminded of it was painful instead of gratifying. She should have been happy for the memories, but their clarity only served to leave her hollower than she ever thought possible.

**pqpq**

Sunday morning brought a few inches of snow.

When she left in the morning, her feet crunched and sank slightly, leaving footprints in her wake. It was much like in the Sengoku Jidai, when the snow would fall and cast blankets of white upon the countryside. She missed the sight from Kaede's doorstep; the smell of the freshly fallen snow. Here in this time, it smelled like exhaust smoke: the pollution of the age she had no desire to live in.

The station was busier than usual when she arrived. There were a lot of people carrying a multitude of luggage and shopping bags. It was the holidays, which accounted for this and meant that it would be crowded and loud. But even still, Kagome found herself in front of the board again, where he was standing. Waiting.

"I haven't been to Kyoto in a long time," she said, after a while. She was following the orange line with her eyes. Orange, like Shippou's hair. She bit on her lip to keep it from trembling. "Um, the temples there are nice," she added, clutching at straws for conversation. Anything to keep her mind off the lives that had been so unfairly taken. "Maybe you can take some pictures." He didn't say anything and she watched him as he pondered the map in silence. Finally, his head nodded curtly in agreement and his one red shoe put itself in front of the black towards the ticket machines. She followed.

He sat on one side and she on the other, people watching or window-gazing to pass the time. The city gave way to country and then to city again, where the train stopped at their station some time later. It was the first time they had ever gotten off to walk around somewhere. She felt awkward, walking beside him as they huddled inside of their coats for warmth against the December cold. After all, she still didn't know his name.

Beyond the station, they traveled about the city, walking along a main street towards the temple. From where they were, the gates of the shrine were a bright orange in contrast with the white, snaking along the incline around Inari Mountain. If Kagome did not focus her eyes correctly, she could see the blurry orange that took a spiral shape around the mountain, like fire. A light snow fell, landing on her nose. Cold and wet, she blinked and focused again. Cars passed. Other pedestrians kept their hoods up against the chill. It smelled like gasoline and fish.

"I haven't been here since I was a kid," he said, indicating the red _torii_ before them. It signaled the entrance to the shrine, so they followed the pathway wherever it led them. Up several flights of uneven, snow-covered stairs, they reached the top platform. She was faced with a large, open space that was purely white. Built to accommodate many worshippers, it seemed quite lonely in its abandoned state. Quietly, respectfully, they took to the red path, where a corridor of red gates led them around the long trail of the mountain. Every _torii_ had inscriptions upon the surface, but Kagome let her eyes meld the colors together again and the _kanji_ became faint, black scratches among the fire.

After they walked the entirety of the pathway in silence, they returned to the shrine. He didn't take one picture on their journey, but she did not voice her dissatisfaction. Instead, she looked around at the beautiful layout of the cemetery and holy buildings within the _Fushimi-Inari Taisha jinja_. It was beautiful, old, and whispered ancient words she could not understand. She tried to ignore the ghosts she could not see, but could feel.

They passed a temple where monks were praying. It smelled of incense and heat, caressed by the low murmurings of scripture. Miroku would have understood it all, but she didn't. She swallowed dryly as they circled the buildings and walked through the memorials in the adjacent courtyard. Tall pillars of stone rose up towards the gray skies, all with _kanji_ commemorating spirits and deities of Inari. Before an offering, there sat five stone fox demons, carrying grain in their mouths as the symbol of prosperous harvest. Kagome let her eyes drop to the frosty stone before them, where an offering of food and sake had been placed. When they moved onwards, she did not lift her eyes until the _kitsune_ spirits of Inari were no longer in sight.

Together, they paid their respects to the shrine, made an offering to the Gods, and then prepared to leave. It was late afternoon and Kagome knew her mother would be worried if she arrived home past dark again. After all, she had school in the morning. The thought of going back made her want to run away, back up the red corridor into the mountain. But she settled her fear and followed the footsteps in front of her. Red before black and red before black again, patterned, matched.

When the converse stopped in the frost, she did too, glancing up to see exactly why he had halted. Before them, there was a bare tree with no leaves or flowers. Its gnarled branches were shimmering with the lightest bit of snow. Knotted papers decorated the shoots and twigs like butterfly wings.

"I'm going to make a wish," he said, dropping a few coins into the offering nearest the tree. Beside it, there was a wooden box, a brush pen, and an inkwell. For a few moments, Kagome stood off to the side to give him his privacy, watching from afar as he skillfully brushed tiny characters upon the paper. When he was through, he blew on it to dry the ink, waiting a few more moments before folding it a few times length-wise. Then he walked over to the tree, cleared a space upon an uncluttered, but flurry-covered, branch before he tied his wish there, adding to the collection of other hopes and dreams people had carried to this same place.

She watched this in silence, only turning in the direction of the offering when he was through. He waited as patiently for her as she did for him, and with numb fingers, she clutched at the brush he had written with. Trying not to think about how warm it was—because his hand had been there only moments before—she focused on her letters, the characters; the wish that the Gods would only know. And when she was through, she tied the _tanzuku_ onto the branch next to his.

_Kami-sama. I wish for only one thing…_

They caught the late train home, taking the Nara transfer back to Tokyo. It was busy, crowded, and they were forced to stand, much like they did every Sunday when their excursions ran later into the evening. They spoke so little during these hours and yet, Kagome didn't know if she would have had it any other way. The silence was welcomed because the company was enough. She did not know his name or his story or the real reason why he rode the trains with such a wistful, yearning expression. She did not know why his shoes were mismatched or where he came from or why he seemed to be hurting as much as her. She did not need to know what he wished for. She did not need to know anything at all. Except for…

_I want InuYasha by my side._

Upon arriving in Tokyo, it was night. Everything was lit up with color and movement and life, chatter, business, pleasure. The hours moved forward, the snow fell, and the trains continued to come and go. And he once again went East alone, while she took the long road West.

_InuYasha...are you here?_

**pqpq**

Word Count: 1,889


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**: Thanks, once again, for the lovely reviews. I'm so happy people are loving this story as much as I am. Truly, it's such a pleasure to write, and I'm very happy to continue it.

**pqpq**

Break came.

Friday signified the last day of school before the three week winter holiday. Everyone was cheerful for the prospect of a very white Christmas, because the forecast predicted an increase in snow as they neared the twenty-fifth. Kagome said goodbye to her friends, avoided committing to the _bonenkai _they wanted to have at the local karaoke club, and hurried out into the snowy evening before Hojo could capture her again. He had been more persistent than ever, probably presuming that her presence at school meant she was feeling better, which signified she would have to accept his invitation to the movies soon. Biting her lip, Kagome tried not to think about that as she pushed her frost-covered bike down the sidewalk towards the shrine. As she walked, she kept her head down. Kagome did not want to see the merry decorations, twinkling lights, or the happily engaged couples passing by her. The Christmas season was something to treasure: it was a special time to spend with that person you cared most for. But for those people who had lost that certain person, it was just a cruel reminder of the happiness once had. It was the passing of another year: starting a new twelve months. Only the next twelve months, Kagome would be alone, and for the twelve months after that, and after that. InuYasha was never coming back and that put the bitterest taste of loneliness on Kagome's tongue.

Her feet stilled; her bike stopped beside her. Somewhere, a jingle of a Christmas carol was playing softly. It smelled like the tiny pine trees stores were selling, small enough to sit on your kitchen table, but big enough to decorate with gaudy streamers and bulbs. Kagome's eyes were hot as she recalled Shippou's adorable face, his body tangled in a popcorn garland asking "_Kagome, what's Christmas anyway?"_ _Sango was behind him, trying to keep Kirara from eating the popped delight while simultaneously attempting to grab at Miroku's wandering hand. Kaede was wrapping berries in long strands of grass, turning the ends into hooks. InuYasha appeared in the doorway with a small pine, about three feet or so, over his shoulder. "Is this too big?" he asked, looking at the tree: "For your Christmas nonsense?" Sango slapped Miroku's cursed hand, her eyes widening when the monk gave her an apologetic kiss on the cheek, holding mistletoe above their heads. Kirara slipped out of her surprised fingers with a mouthful of popcorn and pulled the kitsune with her. Shippou tripped and fell backwards in the mess, laughing with glee. "It's not nonsense, InuYasha. Look how much fun everyone's having." He didn't argue and when he looked about the room, his eyes were soft with a smile. _

Hastily, she wiped the tears away and pushed forward, ignoring the cheerful atmosphere around her. By the time she reached home, her cheeks were frozen and felt raw from all the rubbing she had been doing with her coat sleeve.

"Kagome," her mother said, upon seeing her enter the foyer. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kagome replied, sniffing as she gave a final wipe to her face. She was probably red, but she didn't care, and hoped that her mother would leave it alone.

"Are you sure?' she asked.

"Yeah," Kagome said with a nod, gripping the strap of her backpack with both hands. Anything to stop her shaking. Anything to keep those images—memories—away.

"If…if you need anything…" Ms. Higurashi's voice trailed off.

"Thanks," Kagome said, trying to keep herself from choking. "I'm going to my room." Her mother didn't stop her, stepping aside so that she could pass. The dark-haired girl took the steps two at a time, feeling as if she couldn't breathe. It was this place that suffocated her, she thought, pulling the curtains closed. She couldn't look at the Goshinboku, not when it felt like someone was taking a bear trap to her chest, the claws tightening dangerously around her already injured heart.

Throwing her bag onto the floor, she sat on her bed. From somewhere within the pockets and zippers on the knapsack, she heard the gentle hum of her phone ringing. She waited until it stopped before leaning over to retrieve the cell. Flipping open the top of the pink device, she stared at the glowing screen with heavy eyes and read the cluster of characters with an uninterested gaze.

**Eri** (5:34:41pm): Thursday night the Mandrake. 5pm. Be there.

Sighing, Kagome closed it and put the phone on the nightstand. She did not want to go to a year end party with her school mates. Kagome knew it would be cheerful laughing and dancing, singing and merriment. If Eri was going, that meant Yuka and Ayumi were too. This told Kagome that the room would be filled with not only them, but their friends in the other classes as well. Hojo would be there too, no doubt, especially with everyone trying to help hook them up for ages now. And no one would come to her aid when Hojo would undoubtedly want to sit beside her, keep her all to himself for the evening. As if the prospect of the party wasn't bad enough, having to spend the whole time pretending to be her usual self in the presence of Hojo was the worst.

_I could fake sick_ she thought to herself, that Sunday, as she walked down the empty streets towards the station. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch, what with her constant illnesses for the past few years. But the recollection of _why_ she had to pretend made her frown deepen and her feet move a little faster towards the Plexiglas map. At least when she saw _him_, things didn't hurt so much.

When she found herself standing in front of the board, Kagome was alone. This did not bother her. Somewhere inside of herself, she knew he would eventually arrive. Sometime while her eyes were trained on the purple line running northwest, he appeared. There was no good morning or comment about the weather or the obligatory inquiry after health, as usual. There was only silence between them, which was okay. Overhead, a woman's voice came over the PA system to announce that someone's wallet had been found. Behind them, Kagome could hear the cheerful chatter of several girls. They were talking about their boyfriends who went to Chubu and what their plans were for the holiday. Kagome had to force her eyes to stay focused on the lines. She did not want them to blur together; she did not want to cry. She would be spending Christmas without _them_ this year. That realization was too painful to think about.

"I want to go north again," he said, bringing her attention to where it needed to be. She did not want to listen to the girls anymore or think about Shippou's popcorn strands, Miroku and Sango's kiss beneath the mistletoe, the feeling of InuYasha's arms wrapped around her in the dark…

"Okay," she agreed, not consciously aware of herself until the words had escaped her lips.

"You sure? It's a long ride," he said, not looking away from the map. This made her look up and stare at him, but only briefly before turning her head away. It was the first time he had inquired after her and it was strange. But somehow, Kagome was fine with this breach of their indifference towards each other.

"It's fine," Kagome replied, walking away from the glass to make it official. She took a few deep breaths when her back was to him, doing her best to keep her stride natural and even. It was hard to convince her heart that it was not InuYasha. The man behind her with those _eyes_ was not InuYasha, no matter how much she wished he was.

After purchasing their tickets, Kagome stopped by the nearest vending machine and ordered a hot coffee. When the can was warmed to perfection, she retrieved it with gloved hands. Before she walked away, she put in another two hundred yen in the coin slot and stepped aside. Although she was young, the concept of _giri_ was not lost upon her. He had brought her coffee one morning, so she would buy him one in return. It was not romantic, she had to tell herself. It was nothing more than the concept of obligation and reciprocation that was held so highly in their society.

Nothing more.

Without a word, he ordered his drink. It took all she had to not openly stare at him, but she couldn't help but observe him silently from the corner of her eye. There was a button on his beanie: the _kanji_ character for "person". In his left ear, Kagome counted two silver rings. Her eyes dropped to the collar of his coat, then down the sleeve to follow the slight ridges in the fabric. Finally, they stopped at his hands, fluorescent blue in the glow of the machine. He had nice hands, she noticed, and long fingers. The middle finger was adorned with a Celtic cross. When he lifted the can from the entry, he used the cuff of his jacket. She didn't look at his eyes.

She couldn't.

Once they boarded the train, Kagome was slightly alarmed at the amount of people inside. Already there had been a breach to the routine, but the second was a bit more disconcerting. The two of them were forced to stand on the commute through Tokyo, side-by-side and closer than usual due to the packed compartment. Kagome clutched the pull above her head tightly during the entire trip, her grip nearly failing upon her coffee when her arm brushed his occasionally.

But as they traveled further north, the train cleared out and became empty, much like the first time they had taken the same route previously. Relieved, Kagome sat down in the seat across from him. His feet stretched out into the aisle again. The red and black were so vibrant against the gray, scuffed floor. She stared at them instead of turning to look out the window at the empty landscape. The spell was broken when Kagome felt a dull vibration in her coat pocket. Pulling the pink device from her jacket, she flipped it open and stared at the message.

**Eri **(10:22:17am): You're coming to the party. Don't even try to fake sick.

Kagome closed it without answering, a little irritated. Her plan was ruined now and, knowing Eri, she would come to the house to drag her out by her hair if she refused. It looked like Thursday night was going to be dreadful after all…She tried to wipe the annoyed, disappointed expression from her face as she pocketed the phone, wondering if she succeeded or not.

"Nice phone," he commented.

"My mom picked out the color," Kagome said. Seconds after she said that, she wondered _why_ she divulged this little piece of information. "I didn't want a phone."

"Why's that?" he asked. The red foot was tapping again, softly against the linoleum.

"Because," she replied, trying to stop herself before she said anymore. But her tongue was quite in the mood for it and she was unable to bite back the rest: "The person I want to talk to the most will never call." Even with her gaze downwards, Kagome could feel him looking at her.

"I'm waiting for that call, too," he said.

**pqpq**

The skies were dark as night by noon.

At one, the train halted on the tracks. Kagome looked away from the blizzard outside and around the empty cabin for an explanation. The boy across from her appeared just as confused by their sudden stop. The intercom came on with an apology from the conductor, who informed them that they had to make an emergency stop because of the storm. Apparently the ice build up on the rails was too dangerous for traveling. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, they waited in silence, watching the snow build up beyond the frosty windows. Kagome could barely make out the shapes of mountains in the distance. The black webs of power lines whipped in the fierce wind. Inside, the lights flickered briefly.

An hour later, the train pushed forward, coming to a screeching stop outside of a run-down station. It was a small, two room establishment with bad lighting and poor heat. Inside, they were told that they were fifty miles from the city of Koriyama.

"You will have to wait here until the storm clears up. The return train with service to Tokyo will be here soon," said the woman behind the glass. She bowed to them. "We're sorry for the inconvenience. Please make yourselves comfortable in our lobby for the time being." The two of them had no choice left but to do so. The dark room was only lit by the orange glow of the furnace and it smelled heavily of soot. Around the coal heater, there were ten chairs in the form of a square. Faded pillows lay lifelessly on the seats to provide some form of comfort for the occupants waiting. They were a little lumpy, Kagome discovered upon sitting down, but not terribly uncomfortable. She stretched her legs out in front of the heater to get warm, pointing her booted toes inwards to take up less space. He sat beside her, putting his ungloved hands out to fend off the cold as well. Kagome held very still as she focused on his hands: the same hands that she had found so attractive back in Tokyo. She tried to focus on the ring on his finger instead of the gentle press of his knee against hers.

It truly was a day of firsts. Never before had they sat next to one another. Kagome found it difficult to breathe again, especially when she caught sight of his eyes. It was unfair how amber they were, burning liquid gold in the warm light.

"I didn't think the snow would be so bad," he said, a somewhat apologetic tone to his voice.

"Me neither," she answered, pulling her coat tightly around her. It fell silent again. He leaned back in the seat next to her while Kagome stayed perched on the end of hers, staring into the embers beyond the grate. An hour passed. Then two. Kagome eventually reclined in her seat to get more comfortable, her eyes feeling heavy. She tried to keep her mind empty, clear from those thoughts that normally pervaded her unconsciousness. She did not want to think about InuYasha or Shippou or Sango or Miroku. She didn't want to think about any of them, even those good memories where they were laughing and carefree. She especially did not want to think about the day they died so prematurely…Kagome's hands balled into fists beneath the sleeves of her jacket, trying to physically control herself in order to banish those thoughts. She didn't want to think about them or what happened during that final battle. In addition to that, she didn't want to wonder why she felt the closest to normal when she was with this nameless stranger, with those golden eyes that looked so familiar…

After a while, she wasn't sure how long they had been waiting. All Kagome knew was that she was warm and comfortable. The heater lulled her into a state she hadn't felt in a long time; almost like she was beside Kaede's fire pit, resting her cheek on InuYasha's shoulder…it took her sleepy brain a moment to comprehend that she _was_ resting against someone. Much like her hanyou's had been, this shoulder was strong and comforting. And most of all, it didn't pull away.

"I don't even know your name," she said, eyes half-way closed.

"I don't know yours either," he replied.

"I'm Kagome," she answered.

"I'm Inuyasha."

**pqpq**

Word Count: 2,653


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: So, I've only been away from the computer a few days, but when I logged on today, I nearly fell out of my chair at all the reviews and favorites/alerts. I had no idea people would like the last chapter so much, haha. Everyone is right: I'm cruel and have a lot of explaining to do. don't get impatient if it doesn't all happen at once. This entire story is written out already, so everything will be covered, no problem. Much love to everyone and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

**pqpq**

"Inu…yasha…" she repeated aloud, the syllables sounding so beautiful upon her tongue. She never thought she would say that name again without mourning, without sadness for the person she had loved so much; the person whom she had lost too early. Perhaps, Kagome thought, she was sleepy and misheard the stranger's name, but he did not correct her. The embers in the heater burned a warm orange, as warm as he was next to her. Had her wish come true? Had the Gods looked down upon her and wept for her misfortune, sending her happiness by the same name as before?

_Kami-sama. I wish for only one thing…_had that simple piece of paper, with those pleading black characters, brought her wish to fruition? Was this Time and Fate giving her—_them_—that second chance? Kagome smiled sleepily, thinking this over. Technically, it would be their third chance, wouldn't it? InuYasha and Kikyou had loved and lost one another, only to be reunited once more, when Kikyou's reincarnation appeared five-hundred years in the past. That was their second chance, which made today—this era, this time, this dingy place that smelled of dust and dirt—their third chance.

And weren't third times the charm?

A bell rang somewhere softly. The sound of heels clicked over the creaking floorboards. When Kagome opened her eyes again, the woman from behind the glass was standing there apologetically, informing her in a quiet voice that the train was to arrive soon. Kagome did not understand the woman's need to be quiet until she attempted to nod, wherein she felt the gentlest of resistance in her hair. It was a cheek resting against the top of her head. Inuyasha was sleeping, his even breaths light against her scalp. She smiled lightly; holding still as the woman left them alone once more, not wanting to rouse Inuyasha just yet. It reminded her of the times when InuYasha would fall asleep upon her bed, perched behind her on the back of her bike, or the few times in Kaede's hut after a journey, when the hanyou would nap in a similar manner against her. It signaled trust, at first, but then a comfort that had resulted out of a strong bond Kagome could only describe as love.

The bell rang again, louder this time. His cheek moved against her hair, in that same, sleepy way that InuYasha would sometimes wake. Kagome continued to hold still, her eyes closed, until he sat up a little straighter. Then, and only then, did she open her eyes and rub them in a pretense of regaining consciousness, not wanting him to know that she had been awake, memorizing every detail of their situation: everything from his steady breaths to the long fingers that had curled slightly on his lap in his sleep.

"It's time to go, I guess," he said. The clock on the wall was mostly in shadow, but Kagome was able to make out the black hands at an acute angle. 5:15pm.

"Yeah, I guess so," she answered, straightening out her jacket as she stood up. He followed her lead and together, the two of them walked out onto a snow-covered platform. Although the snow seemed to have stopped, the remains were still apparent for as far as the eye could see, including the train before them, which was plastered with horizontal icicles. The wind, despite not carrying any more precipitation, was as ever fierce, forcing Kagome to keep her head down and arms wrapped tightly around herself. The platform was treacherous, covered in thick snow and ice. Kagome nearly slipped, but grasped onto Inuyasha's arm to keep from falling backwards.

"Are you okay?" he asked. She realized that she was still gripping his arm tightly, shaking from escaping such an accident. How many times had InuYasha saved her from such embarrassments in the same manner, asking with those similar eyes _Kagome, are you okay?_

"I'm fine," Kagome answered, but did not let go of his arm until they had entered the train. Warmth flooded into Kagome's cheeks once inside the cabin, forcing her to unbutton the front of her coat with the temperature change. There were no other passengers aboard, allowing them to take their pick of seats. He sat down on the nearest bench, stretching out his red and black shoes far into the aisle, as he usually did. And without thinking twice, Kagome sat down next to him.

It was a day of firsts, after all.

**pqpq**

The ride home was monotonous.

It was soon so dark outside that Kagome could not see the snow. Several people got on at various stops, but it only became crowded once they reached the outer limits of Tokyo. Although they had sat next to each other the entire way, they hadn't spoken, and when more commuters entered, Inuyasha gave up his seat to stand. He stood directly in front of her and Kagome stared down for the rest of the trip. She was feeling the oppressive weight of the city once more: of movement and matches and those terrifying thoughts of the future. It made her head hurt, her mind wishing that it was just the two of them again in that dirty waiting room, with her resting against his shoulder and his cheek against her hair. She wanted that more than anything.

But everything was speeding up again, back to the pace she had tried so desperately to escape from. And even now, knowing his name, Kagome was only plagued with questions concerning her hanyou and the boy who stood before her. Was it what she hoped? Was it her wish coming true, right before her eyes? Had InuYasha been here the entire time, waiting for the moment when they were finally together again? Or…was the whole thing coincidence? Was this some sort of cosmic joke upon her? Would Kagome wake in the morning, only to realize that it was Sunday and she hadn't traveled all the way out past Koriyama, gotten trapped in a snowstorm, and found out her mystery companion's name? Was it all…_fake_?

She was lonely and Kagome feared she was projecting again. As the darkness of the suburbs gave way to the lights of the city, blurring together with present motion, Kagome gripped her seat. The matches were apparent in the shoes on the ground; the people laughing, talking, the couple kissing, the cheerful singing...maybe none of it was real at all.

Before she realized what she was doing, Kagome found herself reaching out, her fingers securing themselves onto the hem of Inuyasha's coat. It was rough beneath her palms when she gripped with all her might. Her shoulders were shaking, but not from the rocking of the train. It was taking all she had to not cry. InuYasha had slipped through her fingers, _his blood dripping through her fingers_, before and she was unable to keep him, hold onto him, long enough. It was so unfair. Now, she was holding on with all her might, but to what?

_Kami-sama. I wish for only one thing. I want InuYasha by my side. _

That was all she wanted.

_InuYasha… Are you here?_

She needed to know. Kagome did not want to go on guesswork, on speculation. She had to know if all of this truly meant what she thought it did. She had to know if their love had transcended time once more and brought them here, to this place, this time, where he was standing there and she was so close...wasn't she?

"InuYasha…are you here?" she whispered to her knees, so softly that she barely heard herself over the noise in the compartment. She waited for the response to the question Kagome knew classified itself as rhetorical. There was no way for InuYasha to answer, after all. A girl was laughing with her friends near the exit. A man was reading _manga_ beside her. Nearby, someone was wearing too much Giorgio perfume. Her watch said 8:34pm.

Her fingers clenched with her last bit of strength. No response meant she was lost again. Hopeless, defeated, her hands released her companion's coat and fell into her lap. Lifeless. Cold. There was no relief, no answer, for a soul like hers, was there?

_I never…was able to tell you…_ Kagome said, but without a sound passing through her lips. Her eyes were scratchy and heavy, burning with tears she didn't want to cry. _…that I wanted to be with you forever because I…_ A hand touched her hair, the large palm warm against the top of her head. Then, it slid down black strands in an almost tender gesture. Finally, it came to rest on her shoulder. Warm. Familiar. Was it...? ..._because I…love you more than anything in the world._

When she looked up, Inuyasha was very close to her, with those beautiful golden eyes of his so very near. The light in the cabin was dim, a grimy yellow in the wake of neon street signs beyond the window. Magenta and cerulean mixed into violet, combining with sepia, casting his expression into something soft in such a cruel world of color and sound.

"Don't cry," he said to her, with nothing but gentleness in his tone. Kagome couldn't lift her arm to wipe away the tears, too focused on him, who was so close, but so far. _InuYasha, are you here?_

"Am I not allowed to?" she asked, trying to smile, but found that the muscles in her face protested this action with force. His lips quirked upwards a little, but he didn't smile at her either.

"Of course you can," Inuyasha answered.

"Then why say that?" she inquired, letting the tears dry upon her heated cheeks.

"Because I hate seeing women cry," he said simply. And she laughed. She didn't mean to, but it escaped her like something that had been caged inside for too long. It wasn't loud and it wasn't long, but it was a laugh. How many times had InuYasha said the same thing upon seeing her tears?

Every time, wasn't it?

"Then I'll stop," she replied, wiping her cheeks on her sleeves and gloves. Maybe she could have hope after all, even if it was the tiniest little flicker of promise.

Maybe her wish hadn't been forgotten yet.

**pqpq**

Word count: 1,960


	8. Chapter 8

By Monday afternoon, Kagome felt like she was going to suffocate.

Because she had arrived home so late on Sunday night, her mother had not stopped talking about it since. She wanted to know where Kagome had been all those hours, what she had been doing, and with _who_. It took everything Kagome had to sit there and endure her mother's lectures. Even more so when her mother went snooping and found the train tickets stuffed in the pockets of her parka; in the small jewelry box upon her dresser.

"Why have you been doing this, Kagome? Where are you going?" she asked. Kagome felt badly to see the tears in her mother's eyes. "You're not going to run away, are you?"

"No, Mom," Kagome replied, shaking her head.

"Then what are you doing? Tell me, Kagome. I want to help you, but I can't if you keep shutting me out," she said, pleading in her tone as she kneeled before Kagome and held her hands. "Please. Tell me."

"I…" Kagome began, looking into her brown eyes. She wanted to tell her mother, but Kagome knew she would sound crazy. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be considered unstable if she said _Mom, I think InuYasha came back to me._ "It helps."

"What helps?" she asked.

"Riding the trains," Kagome answered more specifically.

"I don't understand," her mother said. Her brow was furrowed in confusion.

"The trains…it…it gives me time to deal with…everything," Kagome replied, trying to put the feeling into words. In a sense, it was her escapism; her means of coping. It was also her means of getting to know the man with those eyes she couldn't help but unconditionally love so much.

"But, honey. It's dangerous," said her mother, patting the backs of her hands. "It's very dangerous to go out by yourself like this, and so late at night…"

"Mom," Kagome said seriously, holding her mother's gaze. "I fought demons in the past. I destroyed some of the darkest evil in that era. I helped save _the world_ so that we could live like this today. I think I can handle myself."

"But, Kagome," her mother replied gently, squeezing your hands. "You were never alone when you did all of those things." Kagome swallowed, but kept her eyes locked with her mother's. Ms. Higurashi looked apologetic, but continued on in the softest voice: "InuYasha and the others were always there to protect you. I worried so much back then, even knowing you were in good hands. Now…now I'm just afraid all the time…"

"Because…I'm alone?" Kagome asked, her voice sounding hollow, even to her own ears.

"Kagome…I'm sorry," her mother said, touching her cheek tenderly. "I'm sorry that they're gone, baby, I really am."

"They're not gone, Mom," Kagome replied, her eyes feeling hot and heavy with that familiar, stinging pain. With trembling hands, Kagome pressed her palms to her own chest, directly above her heart. "Didn't you know? They're here and they always will be."

**pqpq**

When Tuesday came around, Kagome felt slightly better. Her mother had eased off her for the time being, asking fewer questions about Kagome's attitude. The dark-haired girl was grateful and spent more time with her family than with her books after that. Souta wanted to get a tree for Christmas, so he and Kagome went out shopping that afternoon to buy one.

"I need to get Mom a present," Souta explained, once they were outside the house, walking down the steps from the shrine in the cold, December air. "I was thinking maybe a new rice-cooker, since ours is broken."

"It's broken?" Kagome asked.

"Yeah, sis, didn't you know?" Souta inquired. She shook her head, but her brother didn't press the subject any farther. If anything, Souta was the most understanding in the entire household. He had been close to InuYasha, after all, and missed his presence in the house. Kagome had the sneaking suspicion that even Buyo, their fat calico, missed the half-dog demon as well.

"So what color do you think we should get?" Souta asked, when they entered the shopping plaza nearest their home.

"What about red?" Kagome suggested. It was plain that she was thinking of the color InuYasha had worn habitually, because Souta's expression turned a little sad. Kagome recalled one evening during the new moon when she found Souta secretly trying on InuYasha's _haori_. Her little brother had looked up to InuYasha so much and now…

"Red's nice," Souta agreed with a nod of his head. "I think she'll like red." Kagome smiled sadly, ruffling his hair in the fondest of motions.

"I think so, too."

**pqpq**

Eri was damn persistent.

Soon, the texts turned into calls, which Kagome avoided rather well. At least until Wednesday night, when Eri dialed the house phone and Kagome was forced to finally talk to her.

"You're coming tomorrow, aren't you?" she asked.

"I don't know…Christmas is Friday. I should probably stay home with my family…" Kagome lied.

"That's bull, Kagome!" Eri said. "I talked to your mom and she thinks it's a good idea! It's time for you to get back out there, you know? Don't let this guy ruin your life!" Kagome paused for a few beats, gripping the phone cord with her fingers.

"Y-Yeah, I know," Kagome managed to force out. "I'm just…not feeling ready yet."

"But Kagome! This is the perfect time to get out!" Eri argued. "You'll be with us and a bunch of people you know. We'll all hang out, do some _karaoke_, eat and have a good time. You've gotta come!"

"I just don't know…" Kagome said.

"C'mon! Hojo will be there and everything! You should hook up with him. He's a really nice guy and he _likes_ you a lot, Kagome!" Eri said, sounding a bit like a certain lecturing mother.

"I'm…I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that," Kagome said—finally said—aloud.

"What do you mean?" Eri paused. "Don't you like Hojo?"

"Well, he's a great guy, but…" Kagome said, allowing herself to trail off. Maybe Eri would listen to her, get the hint that perhaps this wasn't the match made in heaven like she thought it was.

"You're just not over your ex, that's all," Eri said, bursting Kagome's hopeful bubble. "So you need to come to the Mandrake at five tomorrow night!"

"I…"

"Kagome."

"But…"

"No buts."

"I really don't—"

"You're coming and that's final."

"Eri…"

"Oh, and by the way: Ayumi, Yuka, and I are all coming over at about four so we can get dressed. See you then!" Before Kagome could get in another word edgewise, Eri hung up, leaving her standing there speechless. The dial tone buzzed loudly in her ear, her finger curled around the cord so tight that it had turned purple. With effort, Kagome was able to put the phone down and walk up the stairs to her room.

Tomorrow was going to be Hell.

**pqpq**

At 3:45p.m., three smiling faces appeared on the doorstep.

Kagome showed them in with her usual display of hospitality, accepting their hugs and small gifts for Christmas. When they'd had some tea and cookies and Kagome had provided them with equally small gifts of friendship for the season, they made their way upstairs.

"I think we should flat-iron Ayumi's hair," Yuka was saying, twirling her finger around one of Ayumi's wavy locks. "She'll look like Ayumi Hamasaki if we do that! Imagine how long and gorgeous it'll be…" Ayumi smiled, a bit nervously in the mirror as Yuka began to set up her straightener and other things upon Kagome's dresser.

"You're lucky I brought clothes with me," Eri said, drawing Kagome's attention to her third friend. She was standing in front of Kagome's closet, making faces at her wardrobe. "Seriously, Kagome. Where _did_ you get all this black? You normally have such cheerful colors!" In the end, Ayumi had straight hair, Yuka curled her own, and Eri put Kagome's up in a sort of bun with several extensions of wild colors. Then, Kagome was forced into a dress of Eri's—a short, indigo number with a low top—given a purse and shoes, and afterwards suffered fifteen minutes of make-up with Ayumi. Her mother was all praise when they came from the upstairs landing, hugging each of the girls in turn. She even got out the camera, while complimenting Ayumi and Yuka on their hair and Eri on her red dress.

"Now my mom has evidence," Kagome said, as they pulled on their coats before heading out into the cold evening.

"Aw, you look good!" Yuka replied cheerfully.

"We _all_ look good!" Eri put in.

"_I_ look like Ayumi Hamasaki," said Ayumi, laughing when Eri made a face at her and Yuka tugged on her hair.

"You just _think_ you look like Ayumi Hamasaki," Eri said.

"Oh, but I _do_!" Ayumi countered. Kagome found herself smiling with them as they took the stairs from the shrine. It was playful, funny banter. Everything almost felt normal. But as a light snow fell and they walked through lit-up streets of Christmas lights and color, Kagome knew it was just a charade. Like the make-up and the dress, everything was make-believe. InuYasha was not about to burst through the well, pulling her away by the arm _Kagome, while you're out doing _this_, Naraku is getting stronger! We need to go find more jewel shards!_

It wasn't that life she had become so accustomed to; the life she missed so much.

"…really nice. The Mandrake is the best place for this _bonenkai_. I'm really glad I got a reservation!" Eri was saying, looping her arm through Kagome's as they walked. It was enough to get her attention for the rest of the way, her unease only doubling as they found the establishment and entered.

"Merry Christmas!" said the waiter to them in English. His accent was cute and he had dimples that Ayumi gushed over quietly as they were led to their private room. It was decorated in the holiday style and could seat about twenty people if they crammed inside. Already, there were a few girls that Kagome did not know, and some boys that she vaguely recognized from 2-D. They all sat down and said their hellos, passing their year-end gifts of chocolate around the table to one another. About ten minutes later, the room was bursting with people, all cheerfully talking back and forth with one another over clothes, hairstyles, and what food they were going to order or what songs they were going to sing later that evening. Kagome felt dizzy with all the noise.

"Hey, Kagome," Hojo said, switching seats with Ayumi so that he could sit next to her.

"Hey, Hojo," Kagome replied, forcing herself to politely smile and say: "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," he answered back, smiling widely. Kagome had to force herself to take deep breaths, trying to do it when no one would notice. She was thankful when other people engaged Hojo in conversation and even more grateful when their food and drinks arrived. Then, it became quiet as they went around the table and said what they were thankful for at the end of this year. When it came to Kagome and all eyes were focused on her, her hand trembled on her drink slightly, throat dry with nervousness.

"I'm thankful for…my second chance," she said, thinking and hoping about the Inuyasha she had met on the train. Hojo was smiling at her from the corner of her eye, maybe even more so than Eri, who sat a few seats down. Once everyone went around, thankful for good grades or something as equally trivial, they put their drinks together and shouted _kampai!_ Then, they followed through with eating and singing _karaoke_ for the rest of the night.

"You know," Hojo said to her, when Yuka and Eri were singing a terrible English song together, earning many laughs from the people in the room. "I've liked you for a long time, Kagome." Her heart sped up to mach speed as he said this, Kagome doing her best to focus on her friends singing loudly to the Ting-Tings: _That's not my name! That's not my name! That's not my NAME! _It reminded her somehow of her first meeting with InuYasha, when he insisted on calling her Kikyou. She recalled how angry she was, standing right in front of his face to shout: _My name is Kagome! Ka-go-me!_ Was it at that moment, when their eyes met, that there had been the first kindling of _something_?

"…and I would really like to be your boyfriend," Hojo finished, reaching into his pocket for a small, well-wrapped package. It was a gift that Kagome could not accept. And she didn't take it, looking right into his eyes. Kagome had to say it; she just had to tell him that she didn't feel that way. She had to tell him that her heart belonged to someone else.

"Hojo, I…" she began, but could say no more. Hojo's lips pressed against hers. It wasn't rough or violent, but Kagome did not like it. She could only compare it to InuYasha's kiss; how _different_ his had been. The first was unsure, the second more passionate, and finally, the third: the one that had left her breathless, weak, craving more. She wanted InuYasha and no one else. Even if he was no longer in this world, even if her companion aboard the train was not him, Kagome knew that no one would ever be able to kiss her like InuYasha had. With all her strength, she pushed Hojo gently away. Somewhere within her, something burned, giving her the courage to find the correct words: "Hojo, I can't."

"But…Kagome…" Hojo said, making her shake her head. It was now or never.

"I can't string you along, Hojo," Kagome told him, gaze never wavering from his face. "I'm in love with someone else." His expression was hurt and he backed away with a wounded look in his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry, Kagome," he said, pocketing the present quickly. "I didn't know."

"No, Hojo. It's not your fault. I'm sorry _I_ didn't tell _you_," Kagome replied. Her friends had passed the microphone to a boy who was now in the process of singing an American power ballad: _Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend…_

"He's lucky," said Hojo, looking at her with the same amount of adoration as before. "Whoever he is, he's very lucky." Kagome looked down at her hands guiltily._ There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find…_They were the hands that had held him in health, in death. _We could have been so good together…_ They were the hands that had buried him on that cold morning. _But now who's gonna dance with me?_ They were the hands that so desperately wanted to hold his again. _Please stay._

When Kagome was finally able to escape, she walked home alone. Her heels clicked against the snowy pavement in a familiar rhythm beneath the twinkling lights. She hummed a tune quietly in the dark night, her breath rising before her. Before what seemed like one-thousand steps, Kagome stopped and looked up at the sky. Snowflakes fell peacefully down to earth.

"InuYasha. Are you here?" she asked the silent evening, her words pleading for an answer. No trees rustled. There were no soft footsteps behind her. Her shoulders did not warm beneath the red jacket that smelled of the wind and the mountains. There was nothing, because InuYasha was not there anymore. She took to the steps alone, singing softly to herself as she thought of the _hanyou_ who was no longer in this world:

_I'm never going to dance again… the way I danced with you…_

**pqpq**

Yes. Seether did a great cover of Wham!'s_ Careless Whisper_ and yes, I did use it in this fic. So sue me XD

Word Count: 2,643


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note**: Thanks again to everyone. You've all been so kind in your reviews. Because of that, extended update for you, with not a lot of Inuyasha, but I'm sure you'll like it anyways!

**pqpq**

It had to be the worst Christmas Kagome had ever experienced.

She didn't want to be ungrateful. After all, her mother had cooked a good meal, her brother hadn't been annoying (the entire time), and even her grandfather had relented in his ramblings about warding off evil spirits to enjoy the holiday. The gifts were nice, the tree was quite beautiful (once Souta had kept Buyo away from the tinsel), and the entire day was laid back and comfortable. But no amount of presents could ease that sadness. No extra helpings of dinner could fill that emptiness. It was just there: a sort of dark void inside Kagome's chest that constantly reminded her of the _loss_. When she tried to smile, she felt guilty. When she attempted to laugh, it died in her throat. And Kagome hated herself for all of it.

At least her mother liked the rice cooker.

"Hey, Kagome. How was your Christmas?" asked Ayumi, later that evening on the telephone.

"It was nice," Kagome forced herself to say, and then inquire: "How was yours?" As Ayumi answered, Kagome found her mind straying a little from the conversation, focusing on the sounds around the house. Souta was playing DDR in the living room again and her mother kept asking him to turn it down from the kitchen, where the water was running in the sink. Meanwhile, Buyo ran through the house; his fat legs sounded like a heard of elephants running through the hallways. Not far behind this said heard of elephants, Kagome could hear her grandfather chasing after the cat, yelling that he had eaten the tree and was running off with parts of its corpse.

"Kagome?" Ayumi asked.

"Sorry, Buyo is eating our tree," Kagome said, causing Ayumi laugh.

"Buyo is quite the character," Ayumi replied.

"That he is," Kagome agreed, because there was nothing else to say.

"Well, anyway, I was calling because I wanted to know if you're up for some shopping," Ayumi said, now quite serious. She always became so when it concerned the after Christmas sales. Kagome had known the girl long enough to know that Ayumi was a bargain hunter. Kagome thought that her friend was so much of a sales-searcher that it had to be a disease. It was the one time a year that such a mild-mannered girl became a vicious, almost cutthroat shopper.

"I'm not sure…" Kagome said.

"Kagome! It's after Christmas sale time!" Ayumi whined.

"I know, I know," she said.

"Please come? Please, please, please?" Ayumi asked, knowing exactly how to get Kagome to agree. It just took a lot of persistence to stretch her patience thin enough.

"Okay, okay, Ayumi," Kagome relented, wincing as something crashed into one of the walls of the house. Buyo was still running, now on the upstairs landing, so Kagome had the suspicion that it was her grandfather.

"Yay! I'm so excited! Yuka and Eri are going to be at my place at seven tomorrow," Ayumi prattled on. "And you're going to be there too, because you're not going to ruin this for me." Kagome had no choice but to agree several more times, under Ayumi's threats that she would destroy the world if Kagome was late.

**pqpq**

Although the day would be long, Kagome had to begrudgingly admit that there were a couple bonuses to going shopping.

For one, Kagome's mother was so happy she was going somewhere with her friends, that she had given her a good hunk of spending money. Secondly, Kagome knew there would be no boys tagging along with them (or Hojo, she thought a bit guiltily), which meant a quiet day with only the girls. And finally, Kagome could shop for the present she hadn't had the chance to buy yet: something for Inuyasha. However, Ayumi was determined to shop in boutiques and other feminine establishments, leaving Kagome with only thoughts of what she wanted to buy for him and how she might be able to get away long enough to do so.

"I think this beret would look cute on you, Kagome," Yuka said, placing a turquoise hat upon Kagome's head. She looked in the mirror and made a face, which caused Yuka to laugh. "Oh, come on. It looks adorable." Before Kagome could argue, Yuka's attention was stolen with a loud declaration:

"I love this dress," Eri announced from across the store, holding up a sequined purple number for everyone to see.

"I don't think it'll fit you," Yuka called back to her, as she snagged the beret from Kagome's head and placed another hat there. It was something black and plaid with magenta feathers. Kagome glanced at herself in the mirror and wrinkled her nose in distaste, making Yuka laugh again.

"What?" Eri asked, stomping over to them. Her arms were already laden with bags from other stores. In her free hand, she held the monstrosity of a dress.

"I said I don't think it'll fit you," Yuka said again, removing the hat from Kagome's head to replace it with a canary yellow visor. "I mean, it's really _tiny_."

"Are you saying I'm fat?" Eri asked.

"No, I'm saying the dress is small," Yuka replied, picking up a bright orange beanie from the rack. She looked at it and shook her head, before replacing it. Eri watched this with a distressed expression, before walking away with a huff. Yuka took the yellow visor from Kagome and placed it on her own head, leaning over to look at herself in the mirror. When she removed it with a soft "ew", Yuka said to Kagome: "People get crazy at this time of year, don't they?"

"A little," Kagome conceded, allowing herself to select her own hat this time. It was a black military hat with two pouches. Kagome thought it looked cute.

"You look like a Goth," Yuka said, snatching it from her head. "No more black for you. What about some color?"

"But I kind of like black," Kagome replied, finding a black beanie on the rack. It reminded her of the one Inuyasha wore habitually. Her heart lifted a little when she realized that she would be seeing him tomorrow. The week had moved so terribly slow…finally she would have her reprieve.

"Why? Black is for Goths and people in mourning," Yuka said, taking that black hat from Kagome's hands as well. She replaced it with something pink, covered in flowers and rhinestones that made Kagome want to gag. It must have shown in her expression, because Yuka nudged Kagome's shoulder with a dramatic: "Oh, come on! Eri was right: you need some more color! Jeez, people are going to think someone close to you died!" The store felt very hot and suddenly, very small. Kagome closed her eyes and swayed slightly, taking in deep breaths so that she didn't pass out. She didn't want to think about the bodies or the blood or the graves. She didn't want to think about how InuYasha was never going to come through her window again, never going to ride on the back of her bike, never going to put his arms around her. Ever, ever again…

"I kind of like the black," Kagome said again, once she had regained her senses. With her eyes open, she could see that Yuka had turned her back to sort through a bin of hair barrettes and ribbons.

"What?" Yuka asked, not even glancing over her shoulder. Instead, her attention had turned towards Eri, who burst out of the dressing room in her purple outfit with a triumphant sound.

"Nothing," Kagome said, watching as Eri jumped up and down in excitement. The light caught each individual sequin, shining bright violet. It cast small circles of color upon the ceiling, the walls, the racks of clothes and make-believe things. Her fingers reached for the black hat that Yuka had put back on the rack. It felt solid, real in her hands.

"Nothing at all."

**pqpq**

After the traditional lunch at Wacdonald, they continued shopping

Kagome bought a few things in the course of the day: the hat, for one, as well as some new tights, two skirts, and a pair of shoes. All were dark colors of black, violet, or red. Her friends made fun of her for turning Goth and laughed without knowing the entirety of Kagome's pain. She didn't say anything, however, and allowed them to giggle at her expense. They wouldn't understand, so she quietly followed them from store to store, feeling like a ghost in a city of careless abandon.

While the three girls hurried into the nearest boutique (with the bright sign that read 75% off!), Kagome loitered outside, keeping her hands in her pockets to stay warm. She didn't want to go to another store where her friends would force her into one outfit or another and then try to convince her to buy it. It had been fun before, but now it felt meaningless. Kagome bit her lip, knowing that it wasn't like her. She had to pull herself up eventually so that she wasn't like _this_ all the time. But it was so difficult and Sunday was only one day in a week that was too long.

Across the street, she saw a small bookstore. It caught her interest because of the cases outside, where people had stopped in their busy shopping to have a browse. Knowing that her friends wouldn't be done for a while, Kagome crossed the street and had a look for herself. Gold titles on small, red novels screamed love and passion in one row. Some science fiction names stared back at her in another. There were craft books, self-help manuals, gardening guides, recipes…Not even realizing it, Kagome had stepped inside the warm shop, perusing the shelves at a comfortable pace. She passed the graphic novels, the text books, and classics aisle before reaching a shelf filled with beautiful spines. Some were leather, others in imitations of animal skins. A few were solids. Others had prints of flowers and animals. The ones that caught Kagome's eyes were in shiny, bright colors. She pulled down a cheerful yellow one, holding it in her hands without opening it. The color was an exact match to that silly backpack she had carried with her all those years in the past…

Blinking rapidly to clear her vision, Kagome opened the book to find it empty. It was a sketchbook with creamy, heavy pages. Putting it back, she reached for another book. Inside, bold lines for writing stared back at her. The corners were decorated in beautiful Victorian patterns. Kagome played there for a while, opening and closing the journals to find that each one was as different on the outside as it was on the inside. But despite this, each book had several matches upon the shelf. Kagome's fingers stilled when she realized this. None were unique. None were without another just like it. It was just like the shoes on the train that all complimented each other and fit together so well. There was no room for a single player in such an unfair game of matches.

Except for…

Kagome smiled to herself, thinking of the red and black shoes with the frayed laces and peeling edges. They were the odd men out and yet…there was something so perfect about them. Her phone rang suddenly, startling her.

"H-Hello?" she asked, slightly disoriented. How long had she been standing there, looking inside empty books?

"Kagome? Where are you?" asked Ayumi.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in the bookstore across the street. You guys can go on if you want and I'll catch up to you later," Kagome said.

"No, we're coming over!" Ayumi replied cheerfully. "Besides, there's a store that's having a great sale down the road. We all have to go and check it out!" With that said, Ayumi hung up and Kagome knew she would be dragged away in mere moments. Sighing, Kagome let her eyes roam over the spines again, spotting the identical colors and patterns amongst the mix. However, on the third shelf from the bottom, Kagome found a journal that was unlike all the rest. It was such a peculiar, familiar shade of red…

She pulled it off the shelf and stared at it. The cover was soft, plush almost, and it opened and closed with a snap shaped like a buckle. Inside were soft pink lines on white paper. A smooth red and gold pen sat snugly in the groove of the spine. Something about it made Kagome smile. Although it was surely not the only one of its kind, it was the only one upon the shelf today. It had no match, no secondary. The colors reminded her of happier times, but also the present time, where she had found solace in a stranger upon the train. His eyes were much like her _hanyou_'s; as gold as the tip of the pen. That single shoe was as red as InuYasha's _haori_; it matched the shade of the journal. Kagome closed the book and snapped it shut.

It was perfect.

**pqpq**

She didn't tell her friends that the journal was for someone else.

Kagome didn't want them to ask about it, especially who it was for. It was bad enough that they were disappointed in her for the Hojo fiasco. The last thing they needed was more gossip and speculation on Kagome's "love" life. So, for the rest of that Saturday, as Kagome was dragged from shop to shop, her friends teased her that she was becoming a Goth; that she was going to write dark poetry about her teenage angst inside the crisp pages of the journal.

Although it wasn't hers, Kagome felt the compelling urge to write inside it. When she returned home, Kagome visited with her mother for a few minutes (showing her the articles of clothing she had purchased, which her mother apparently did not approve of) before going upstairs. It was quiet and she was left in peace to ponder exactly what it was she so desperately wanted to say. She sat at her desk for the longest time, staring at the blank pages, twirling her blue pen between her fingers. Whatever she wrote could not be torn out, so it had to be meaningful, but _what_ exactly to write down was the question.

Then, she just decided to write what she could never say:

_This is a token of my thanks._

_I will never say out loud how much I appreciate you, so this will have to suffice._

_Thank you. You brought me back from somewhere I did not want to be._

_I hope that one day we won't have to ride the trains anymore. When that day comes, we will probably never see each other again, in a city as large as this one. But I hope that you gain something from the journey. I hope that whatever you wished for in Kyoto manifests itself. I hope that, even when years pass, you can look at this and remember me._

_You said you wanted to write, so most of all, I hope that this helps you on your way back to inspiration. _

_Kagome_

It was terribly cheesy. Her characters were awfully crooked, sloppy despite her best intentions to keep them straight and neat. Immediately, upon rereading it, she wanted to tear it out. But she could not ruin the pristine journal and was forced to close it, cheeks hot with shame. What would he say upon reading such an intimate note? She hoped that he wouldn't read it while she was in his presence.

Kagome thought she might die of embarrassment if that happened.

Opening it again, Kagome realized how stupid it was to write the note on the first page. He would have to read it, notice it, at least, when he opened the journal. Kagome bit her lip as she saw the note again, wondering if it would be so terrible of her to rip it out. Maybe, if she did it fast enough, it wouldn't leave any evidence…? But she realized that her words had pressed into the next page and that she was ultimately left to face the consequences of her actions. The worst that could happen would be that Inuyasha thought she was a crazy person…

She fiddled with the journal for the next hour, debating on whether or not she should just forget the entire thing and _not _give the journal to Inuyasha at all. But then Kagome found a way around her problem. She didn't have to tear it out, per se, but she didn't have to leave it so bare and open on the first page, either. On the inside flap of the journal, the first page could easily tuck inside of it without seeming out of place. It was probably so that the writer could keep their place in the book without a marker. With a sigh of relief, she slipped the first page beneath the flap, allowing the second to be the first Inuyasha would see.

Finally, it was time to wrap it. Kagome didn't use flashy paper, instead opting for a nice solid. Skillfully, she folded the paper around the book so that it came out even on all sides. She then dithered with it for a little longer before slipping it into her purse for the following day.

It was the first time in a long time that she fell asleep with a smile.

**pqpq**

Sunday morning dawned cold and snowy.

Kagome slipped out of the house at the usual early hour and hurried in the direction of the station. She did not want to appear anxious, but she was. The journal felt heavy at her hip, pulling at the strap around her shoulder. It bumped against her thigh with each step, reminding her of what she was going to do.

He was at the map when she arrived, breathless and heart pounding with anticipation. Even though he didn't turn towards her when she appeared, Kagome knew that he was aware of her presence. Nervously, Kagome stood beside him and shook the snow from her jacket, all while staring at the lines without thinking of a destination. All she wanted to do was go for a ride. A long one, so that she could think of how to approach Inuyasha with her gift.

"I think I want to go back to Kyoto," Inuyasha said. Kagome noticed that he was fiddling with something in his bag as he said this. Perhaps he wanted to take pictures this time.

"Kyoto would be nice," Kagome replied, following him towards the ticket machine. After purchasing them and walking through the sparse crowds, they found their train. Kagome entered first and sat down in an empty seat. She had to force herself to breathe when Inuyasha sat down next to her, just as he had done last Sunday. It was nice, she realized, when the train was moving out of the station and around the city.

It was nice to have someone beside her again.

They transferred twice. Kagome sat next to him on each train, not speaking. The two of them were content to sit and watch. She couldn't help but stare at his shoes: the enigma that seemed so close to having an answer, a reason, in Kagome's mind that she couldn't quite grasp.

"How was your Christmas?" she finally asked, when they were on the train going west-bound towards Kyoto. Out of the corner of her eye, Kagome noticed that his expression fell from stoic to sad. Then, it was gone, replaced with his usual façade. His shoulders shrugged. Nothing special, she gathered.

"How was yours?" he asked in reply. She shrugged as well, knowing that her hectic week and all the things she had put up with were worth it. Everything was worth it for these few hours of peace with Inuyasha.

"Nothing special," she said aloud. Her bag was resting against her thigh, the journal's edge digging into her hip, almost like it was nudging her. When he didn't say anything else, Kagome felt like it was a good time to pull out her present. It was a shocking red in the gray of the compartment, but he didn't seem to notice it until she pressed it against his arm.

"What's this?" Inuyasha asked, taking it from her with those long fingers she had to keep herself from staring at longingly. His fingertip fiddled with one of the edges, but he did not make to open it.

"Nothing really. I saw it and thought of you," Kagome said, as nonchalantly as possible, hoping he couldn't hear her heart pounding like a drum. "Happy late Christmas, Inuyasha." She watched, nearly holding her breath, as Inuyasha carefully opened her present. Although he didn't say a word, she knew he liked it just by the way his fingers caressed the outline, the buckle, the spine. Kagome added: "You said you wanted to write. This will get you started."

"Thank you. This is exactly what I needed," he said, with such honesty and thankfulness in his voice that Kagome felt proud of herself for purchasing it. She was also grateful that he did not open it. Kagome had a feeling that Inuyasha would have figured out her weak attempts at hiding her note if he had seen what she'd done with the first page. She suddenly felt very stupid about writing those words in the first place…Her right arm flinched slightly when something poked her hand: a small, plain green package.

"What's this?" Kagome asked, accepting it from him with a bemused expression.

"Nothing really. I saw it and thought of you," Inuyasha said, using her same words with the smallest of smiles.

"No really, what is it?" Kagome asked.

"I dunno. Maybe you should open it," Inuyasha suggested, making her blush with embarrassment. She made a mental note to never be witty again, because it always had a nasty habit of backfiring on her. As carefully as he had unwrapped her present, Kagome removed the paper to find a flat, white box about the size of a textbook. Blinking a few times, Kagome lifted up the edge and opened it. Inside was a fabric of the bluest blue Kagome had ever seen. "It matches your eyes," he said, making her heart speed up again. Upon pulling the item out, she realized that it was a scarf made of soft, silky cashmere.

"Happy late Christmas to you too, Kagome," he said. She was speechless at the gift. Not only was it beautiful, but it had to have been expensive. Very expensive. Worth so much that Kagome felt like she couldn't accept it…

"Thank you," she managed to say after a moment, before looking at him. "Really. It's beautiful."

"Like I said: I saw it and thought of you," Inuyasha said, making Kagome's cheeks feel hot again. She recalled that a certain _hanyou_ of hers had been the same way with compliments: they weren't outright, but they were there, and that was all that mattered.

"Thank you," she said again, smiling softly. Kagome put it on, wrapping the indigo scarf around her neck. It was the softest, smoothest caress against her skin, almost like water, but warm and comforting. In a way, it almost felt like the silky strands of InuYasha's silver hair upon her shoulders…

"Thank you," he simply replied. They rode to Kyoto in companionable silence for the rest of the trip. As she absentmindedly stroked the smooth fibers of her scarf, Kagome watched as he touched the journal, almost as if he were committing every stitch and every design to memory. After all her anxiety and nervousness, Kagome found herself wanting him to open it and read her note. What would he say?

But he did not open it for the remaining duration of their ride and Kagome was left to wonder in the wake of their quiet if Inuyasha had truly meant to call her beautiful.

**pqpq**

Word Count: 4,012


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the love and support on this fic. Sorry for the delay on this chapter. When my computer crashed, I didn't expect to lose _everything_. But guess what? I _did_. Hope this makes up for my absence!

**pqpq**

When they arrived in Kyoto, instead of heading in the direction of the Inari _jinja_, the two of them went towards the Gion Shrine. From the station platform, Kagome could see its tall, red roofs like fiery beacons among the white landscape. Although the snow was coming down rather quickly, there were a lot of people about, most likely in the city to pay respects at the multitude of shrines and temples in the vicinity. Children were laughing in their brightly colored parkas while parents attempted to keep their young ones from escaping them in the crowds. Someone was selling _o-cha_ nearby that smelled warm and delicious. Because of the number of people, Kagome found herself clutching at the sleeve of Inuyasha's jacket so they were not separated among the masses. He did not shake her off, so Kagome did not let go. Instead, she followed his lead until they had left the station in exchange for the gray, slushy streets of the city. There was no need to hold onto him any longer, so Kagome dropped her hands from around his elbow, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. But before she could pull completely away, the tip of his pinky brushed her hand, then his palm as it loosely latched onto hers. Its warmth sent heat traveling through Kagome's entire body, much like the first time she had held hands with...

"Inuyasha?" she said, asked, quietly. He didn't look at her, but his hand did not release hers either. She was content to leave it at that, allow her hand to relax in his, her fingers tucking themselves around his digits in return. It wasn't exactly like InuYasha's had been, but it radiated the same feelings of trust and belonging that Kagome had missed so much. Although she barely knew the boy next to her, she felt as if she had been with him her entire life. There was only slight uneasiness with entering into this strange relationship. Everything else was almost habitual.

Upon reaching the _Yasaka-Gion_ Shrine, they were met with more people, all gathered in clusters around certain buildings and offering sites. From the insides of these lacquered buildings of crimson and gold, Kagome could hear monks chanting. Incense was heavy in the cold air. Above, the sky churned gray, promising more snow than that which was already falling. Around them, people pushed forward towards the offering sites, nudging Kagome along with them. She soon found herself pressed against Inuyasha's back. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it certainly was awkward, especially when his hand did not release hers.

"There are so many people…" Kagome said quietly, her cheek brushing against his shoulder when she turned her head to look about the place. They had walked into the mess too quickly and it seemed as if there was no escape.

"Let's go, then," Inuyasha replied, and Kagome then found herself pulled along behind him. With much squeezing through and apologies, they made it free of the crowd and Kagome breathed a relieved sigh as they walked far away from the multitude of worshippers.

"Where are we now?" Kagome asked. With the crowd behind them, they were left on what appeared to be the opposite side of the shrine. There were few people gathered around the silent worship halls and teak pavilions. Overall, it was rather quiet and serene; much different from the main avenue where they had just been. On the opposite side of one of the man raised walkways, there was an empty courtyard covered in a sheet of untarnished snow.

"This must be the Eastern side," Inuyasha replied, breath rising before him in the winter air. "It's normally only popular during the spring and summer when they do processions or ceremonies."

"I wonder why," Kagome said.

"There isn't much out here," Inuyasha answered. With the hand not holding hers, he indicated the mazes of walkways with few shrine houses. Kagome could see why many sightseers would not make it their primary visiting spot, as there wasn't very much to look at. She could also see why the worshippers were not present on this side: there were not very many religious buildings or offerings sites, but rather storehouses and meeting rooms that were only put to use six months out of the year.

"This must have been used for meditation back in the days. It's set up for it," Kagome said, recalling that Mushin, Miroku's master, had kept a shrine similar to this one. The main temple was in the middle, with smaller worshipping spaces on the western side of the building. The eastern side had remained rather plain, with places for meditation, ritual purification, and (in Mushin's case) entertainment.

"Probably," Inuyasha answered and said nothing more after that. Kagome took the initiative and began to walk around the raised platforms, Inuyasha accompanying her at a comfortable pace. As they left the main area for the more serene courtyards, there was an increase in the number of snow-covered trees and small shrines to Shinto deities. The entire setting was very peaceful. Despite the cold and the bare branches, Kagome felt close to the earth, much like she had back in the Sengoku-Jidai. It had been a long time since she smelled air so fresh, trees with so much life. In the distance, Kagome swore she could even feel the presence of those majestic mountains and, further beyond, the steely winter sea.

"It's nice out," Kagome commented. Inuyasha didn't answer her and after a moment, his feet planted firmly in the snow. She stopped so that her hand did not fall out of his, turning towards him in question. He was staring straight ahead, but not at her, those golden eyes fixed upon something beyond where she stood. Behind her, Kagome realized what it was that held his attention so: a woman was walking on a far pavilion, dressed in formal priestess attire; much like Kikyou had worn habitually in the feudal era. Her hair was swept back over her shoulders, held by a traditional white tie. She looked just like the _miko_ Kagome had tried so hard not to hate. Her heart clenched and trembled with a twinge of jealousy. Kagome's hand fell out of his as the two of them silently watched the young woman walk from one shrine house to the other. She could not muster up the strength to say anything. Was Inuyasha not to be hers in this life either? It took all Kagome had not to cry.

"There's going to be a wedding," Inuyasha said, startling Kagome from her self-misery.

"A…wedding?" Kagome repeated, sniffing as she turned to look at him again. He merely nodded, his eyes still focused on the lacquered walkway. "But it's the middle of winter." Even as she said this, Kagome caught sight of a procession making its way down the same path the priestess had taken. At the front, a man dressed in a black _montsuki_ was escorting an elegant woman dressed entirely in a white _shiromuku_. Her brocaded kimono was made of the most beautiful silks: the sleeves and obi so long that they trailed upon the ground behind her. Behind them, a small group of family followed in solemn silence. Incense was burning heavily from a censer waved back and forth by the accompanying priest.

They made slow progress towards the shrine house, or perhaps it just seemed slow in Kagome's mind, which made her eyes watch the scene with observant envy. Everything about the ceremony was what she wanted. She, Kagome Higurashi, who was going to say _InuYasha, I want to stay with you forever_ and remain with the _hanyou_ who meant more than the world to her. She could have been the one in that dress, holding the hand of the man she loved, walking toward a future she had wanted with all her heart. She could have been the one to say _I do_. But that…was beyond her reach.

_InuYasha,_ _you aren't here_.

No, because he had died. Her eyes felt hot, burning in the cold, December air. InuYasha was gone. He had died that day—on a day much like this—with everyone else she cared for. He had fought with all his strength, will all his _soul_ to save her from Naraku. He destroyed himself out of his love for her. It reminded her of InuYasha's father, whom she was told died in order to protect Izayoi from danger. For demon blood to be so pure, Kagome knew that kindness and love had to flow through those veins as well. She knew the extent of that love, but because of that sacrifice she was now without what she wanted the most.

"She's…beautiful," Kagome said quietly, tears sliding down her cheeks. Every wound that she had tried so desperately to close tore open. She felt the weight of her reality settle in. It was everything she had tried to keep from thinking about, feeling concerned over. It was the realization that this world—this time—was not hers. She belonged _there_; she had always belonged there. She had always belonged with InuYasha, even before they had ever met. It was her destiny to meet him, to love him, and then, maybe it was also her destiny to finally lose him. It was her destiny to mourn his loss.

It was her destiny to never be that woman in white.

_After this, InuYasha, what happens? Kagome asks, that day, in the gray-dawn dark before the fire, orange light upon the branches and leaves in September, crisp morning. InuYasha before her, golden eyes dark, down, glowing with illumination in the sunrise._

_What do you mean 'what happens?' Is your brain broken or something? He asks in reply and doesn't look at her. His voice makes her want to ask exactly what he means, but she doesn't, because the night is too quiet and Miroku and Sango are sleeping nearby. Shippo is snoring slightly. Kirara is purring. The darkness is coming as the sun begins to rise._

_InuYasha, I'm being serious. What happens? Kagome asks again, wanting him to say it out loud. It had been unspoken, a silent agreement: a relationship that happened because it was meant to. Kagome never wanted to break that, but she has to. She has to know if InuYasha wants what she wants._

_How am I supposed to know? I ain't a mind reader, InuYasha answers, gruffly, defensively. He hates to talk about things like this, Kagome knows, but she has to ask, because she has to know. She feeds the fire to give him time, listening to the wind as the morning settles in. It's close. Dawn will bring the end to everything, she has a feeling._

_What do you want to happen, then? Do you want me to stay, InuYasha? She asks, seriously. He looks at her, but then away again. Is it the light, or are his cheeks flushed? What does it mean? What does this unspoken agreement mean? If today, InuYasha has the chance to choose, what decision will he make? The hanyou grips his sword. She does not back down, leaning forward, peering at him beyond the flames. She wants to know._

_Do you even have to ask that question?_ _He asks, voice so soft she almost doesn't hear him over the crackle of the fire. _

_Say it again, she says, moving closer to him._

_Say what again? He asks, looking at her, for real this time._

_Tell me that you want me to stay, she says._

_Kagome._

_Tell me that you want me to stay, she says again._

_I want you to stay, he says. She smiles, before him, the fire to her back as her arms move around his shoulders. His hands against her back, holding her, her knees warm against his, chilled nose buried in his hair. _

_I want you to stay, he says again. Before she can say anything at all—that she wants to stay, to be with InuYasha for the rest of her life—the red dawn breaks through the trees and— _

That was the day InuYasha drew his last breath.

A click sounded from beside her, a technological zoom and shutter snapping, opening and closing. It wasn't like the snapping of twigs or the movement of a strong wind through the trees. It was the sound of her era: that cold time where the Goshinboku stood proud and tall through ages, but in all times where InuYasha ceased to exist.

Didn't he?

That sound again, closer, making her turn to see the black eye of a camera staring her directly in the face. She didn't register that the wedding procession had already passed and that they were standing out in the snow, where Inuyasha had his camera pointed at her and she was standing there, weeping openly for everyone to see. Hastily, she turned away from the lens, hiding her face from view, embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated all at once.

"What are you doing?!" she asked. Her voice was higher than it had been in a while: the same tone she used when InuYasha would rifle through her bag, looking for ramen or other presents she brought back from her time. His face upon being caught was always so adorable and it became more endearing to her as the years went by. She shook, wounds raw and open now, bleeding, becoming infected with the knowledge that there was nothing there. InuYasha wasn't there with her and she was empty.

_InuYasha! Why aren't you here? _She wanted to scream.

"I'm sorry," he said, and sounded it, but Kagome couldn't look at him. She was too afraid to see those eyes that looked so much like _his _staring back at her. The one thing that had given her so much hope before suddenly left her afraid. There was no one who could replace InuYasha. Even if he was like him, looked like him, spoke like him, he would never _be_ him. No one could be InuYasha.

No one at all.

"I-I can't! I can't believe you!" she shouted, her voice echoing in the empty courtyard. She rubbed her eyes on the sleeve of her coat until her face felt raw, but the tears kept coming, spilling forth onto the soft, blue scarf around her neck. He did not make to touch her and he didn't come any closer. In a way, Kagome was glad, afraid she would crumble and fade away into nothing if he did. And yet, she also felt this sense of loss inside of herself that he did not pursue her. It made her frustrated, like everything that was moving forward in time, where everyone had their match, their someone, and everyone had that opportunity for happiness.

_Where did ours go, InuYasha?_

Were they truly destined to be apart from the moment they met? Kagome's hands clenched into fists at the unfairness, the unjustness of it all, and she hated herself for finding that she hated the lady in white; she hated those nameless people on the trains who had their happy lives; she hated everyone for being able to move forward when she could only remain stationary. And she hated the boy behind her for having his _name_ and his _face_ and his _eyes_ and it just wasn't _fair_…

"I…" She gritted her teeth and tried again, in a stronger and louder voice: "I never…" She turned around to face him, the words coming forth before she could stop them: "I never want to see you again, Inuyasha!" His expression did not change when she said that, although it seemed his eyes darkened considerably. And for a moment, in the gray afternoon, Kagome thought she saw a shimmer of silver encompass him from behind, where a ghost-like apparition of InuYasha stared back at her. That look in his eyes she then understood: sadness, hurt. Her words had lashed out and left a wound greater than any whip or weapon. Then it was just Inuyasha, with no trace of the _hanyou_ she had so dearly loved. And then, she finally let that darkness turn inwards.

She hated herself.

Without another thought about her actions, her state of mind, or _him_ staring back at her with those familiar eyes, Kagome turned and ran back towards the station. She pushed through the crowds without apologizing, hurrying down the steps, down the slushy streets and back to the warmth and safety of the train station. Panting and repeatedly wiping her wet eyes, Kagome went onto the platform to wait for the next train back to Tokyo. Clutching her return ticket, she kept a watchful eye over her shoulder, wondering if—half hoping, half dreading—that he would follow her.

He never came and she boarded the train alone.

**pqpq**

Don't hate me. Happy times are coming, I promise.

Word Count: 2,845


	11. Chapter 11

New Year's Eve came.

It was the following week after the incident in Kyoto when Kagome heard the sound of the _joyanokane _bell ringing at the temple nearby. During the one-hundred and eight rings of the majestic bell, Kagome paused in her work, pencil hovering over the page. It was the beginning of an entirely new year, which warranted a moment of consideration. It was the beginning of the first year that Kagome would find herself not _back there_. It was the beginning of the first year without InuYasha by her side. The pencil shook above meaningless characters and equations as this realization became concrete in her mind. She was entirely alone. She had to accept it.

Outside, it was snowing.

"Kagome," her mother called from the hallway. Kagome did not answer, willing her fingers to stop trembling. The purple mechanical pencil stilled by the time her mom reached the upstairs landing. She had a tray of tea and cookies. Kagome hoped that she looked somewhat composed. "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," Kagome said, trying to keep the hollowness from her voice. The bitterness tasted sharp and poignant on her tongue as she attempted to smile. It was hard to fake, to force that happiness, that carefree emotion. Before, it had been something she had done without thought. Now, it was something that required every ounce of her effort and concentration.

She thought longingly of that era that smelled of unpolluted air and fresh springs.

"I brought you some cookies," Mrs. Higurashi said, placing them by her elbow.

"Thanks," Kagome replied, looking back towards her book. The bell was on its seventy-second ring as the snow settled itself thickly on the bare branches of the Goshinboku outside her window. It was dead in appearance: without leaves. In that time, was it standing stagnant too? That place where InuYasha had slept for fifty years…was it as lonely as she was?

"You should really put those books down. Come and take a break," her mother said gently.

"I will in a minute, Mom," Kagome answered, scribbling nonsense onto the page that looked similar to what was in her textbook. "Just let me figure these last few out." She continued to write until she heard her footsteps turn and move towards the door, out into the hallway, down the stairs. The bell had reached its one-hundred and third ring, or was it the one-hundred and fourth? Kagome had lost count. The snow was coming down harder and harder, until the shrine's roofs were covered in white. After one-hundred and eight rings, there was silence that seemed to hush the world. Kagome imagined in her mind's eye that cars had stopped all around Japan, the trains had halted on the tracks, and that every person in the world had taken a moment to be still.

It was a passing, fleeting thought, Kagome knew, thought bitterly, as she closed her books. She could hear the movement of the world around her, in the house. There was no stopping for them. She stacked the books neatly atop one another, placing her pencil perfectly along the groove of one of the spines. The tea and cookies beside her smelled wonderful, but her eyes soon turned to the snow falling beyond the windowpane, ignoring her mother's gifts of good tidings for the holiday. Instead, she remembered those winters in the Sengoku Jidai and had to rub at her eyes, looking aside. Her gaze landed upon the blue scarf draped over the back of her chair. Touching it, she let the soft fibers run through her fingers like silken water, stare returning to the outside world beyond her room.

Somewhere, was Inuyasha looking up at the same night sky on the first night of the New Year? She pushed that thought away and pondered it no more.

_InuYasha, I…_Kagome gripped the scarf in her hands, clenching them into fists around the delicate fabric. She could still remember the smell of the mountain air and the trees, the distinct scent of InuYasha that she would never experience again in such an age. There was only gasoline and exhaust fumes now; the smell of make up and perfumes among the fast food and synthetic products. There was no stillness, no quiet, in a world where traffic buzzed continuously beneath neon lights and trains roared down steel tracks into the night. There was no purity, happiness. Where had it gone? Had it died that day with…

_InuYasha...I don't…want to live without you anymore_.

Outside, the snow continued to fall.

**pqpq**

The following few days were filled with activity. Kagome lost herself in it: helping out at the shrine during their busiest season. She wore her Shinto robes and tied her hair back, selling souvenirs to the tourists and worshippers that came to the Sunset Shrine to pay their respects. A Sunday passed and then another. School was approaching again. She buried herself in the cold and the snow to numb herself emotionally, not wanting to imagine a long-haired boy who looked so much like _him_ standing before the map in the train station.

Was he waiting for her every Sunday?

_No_, she thought to herself, as she packed away the last few boxes for the night. She knew that he probably hadn't waited for her. Maybe he didn't even miss her company at all. _So delicate are these things we…hold dear…_Kagome mused, treading through the ankle high snow towards the house, forbidding herself to think of Inuyasha any longer. He was no longer her concern. Kagome told herself that she would never ride the trains again. In a city of so many millions of people, it was likely she would never see him again. A part of her was fine with this. Another part ached with loss. But overall, she knew that she could not go back to him. He had been filling that place that InuYasha had left behind. Just because of their similarities, his physical appearance, his _smile_, Kagome knew that he could never fill that gap, that void, that InuYasha had left. She didn't want to go back to him because she would try. Kagome knew she would try to fix herself, using him as the gauze to clot the wound. But in the end, what was he really? Wasn't it better to sever it before anything else could go wrong? She thought of Kyoto and her expression darkened. It was better to stop it before it began, any feelings she experienced for him.

If she was hurt again, Kagome didn't think she'd be able to heal.

"Thank you for all your help, Kagome," her mother said. She was standing in the doorway in her house slippers, waiting for her arrival. In her hands, she held an envelope.

"It was nothing, Mom. Don't worry about it," Kagome answered, stepping onto the porch. As she was tapping the snow from her sandals, the envelope was handed to her. It was from the convenience store down the block: bright red and yellow with the characters for _One Hour Photo_ printed on the flap. "What's this?"

"I…well, you never unpacked," Mrs. Higurashi said. Kagome looked at the gaudy logo with a determined expression. She didn't want to cry thinking about the day she had hoisted herself over the edge of the well one last time. It had been the hardest climb of her life, even with the ladder that had been conveniently placed there for her over the years of traveling back and forth. She recalled sitting at the bottom for the longest time, crying, with InuYasha's blood still upon her uniform. Ever since returning, she hadn't had the courage to unpack her bag.

There was too much finality to it.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't just leave it in the living room like it was...when I unpacked, I found a disposable camera inside," she continued, indicating the envelope held loosely in Kagome's numb hands. "I…thought you might like to have them." She stood there for a moment, unable to look at her mother. Without meeting her eyes, Kagome knew that she was smiling sadly. "Dinner is ready whenever you are. Take your time." The door slid shut, leaving Kagome in the winter evening beneath a flickering floodlight. Her fingers trembled upon the flap before pulling it back. The adhesive gave way and flipped open. A bundle of pictures stared back at her.

_What's this contraption? InuYasha asks, staring at the small, yellow device in Kagome's hands. It is sunset atop the hill. Smoke rises in the distance from Kaede's village. Peaceful wind stirs the flooded paddies, but not too much to disturb the plants. The sky is pink and gold._

_It's a camera, she answers, holding it up before her eye to focus InuYasha's face inside it. Behind him, autumn colors only seem to highlight the beautiful color of his eyes._

_A camera? He asks, as she presses down on the button. The shutter snaps closed and opens again. InuYasha blinks, looking confused, a little angry, but with a touch of curiousness. He leans closer to look at it as Kagome winds it up again, even going so far as to sniff it to make sure that it was not harmful. Kagome laughs, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. What is it, Kagome?_

_It's a…well, it's a machine that captures memories, Kagome explains to the best of her ability. His head cocks to the side in question. _

_Memories? InuYasha asks, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at it. She smiles and gives his ear a playful, loving tug. It twitches beneath her fingers as Kagome moves closer to show InuYasha the hand-held device._

_Yes. It can take any memory and keep it forever, Kagome says. She feels InuYasha's hands over hers. Gentle, though calloused and clawed, always gentle and warm despite the damage done to others. He is always tender with Kagome so she never flinches from him. She maneuvers his fingers beneath hers to show him how to operate the camera._

_Forever? InuYasha asks, his voice quiet against her ear, stirring her hair. _

_Forever, Kagome answers, turning the camera towards them. _

_Let's keep this one, then._

_I'd like that._

Kagome dropped the envelope onto the ground. The pictures fell and scattered onto the wooden beams of the porch. InuYasha's face stared back at her; in addition, the faces of Miroku, Sango, Shippou…all were there, held in a moment of time and space where they were happy. The snapshots of their life, all spread out before her in the present, from the past where they were lying buried beneath the dirt and snow.

_Does anyone bring them flowers?_ Kagome wondered, kneeling down to collect the photographs. She arranged them so that they were all facing the same direction and then she sat down to look through them slowly. Her breath rose before her, feet freezing and hands burning from the cold, but Kagome did not go inside. She could not move from her position, unable to remove her eyes from those pictures. Some made her chuckle, others made her cry. It was wonderful to see their faces again, to imagine their laughter ringing in her ears. It filled her with warmth as much as it filled her with a cold, desperate yearning.

Those days, _those days_, Kagome thought, _are gone_. The pictures fell from her hands, like cards from a deck that had been dropped carelessly from a great height. Sango and Miroku fluttered away close to the door. Shippou and Kirara landed beside her foot. The ones that were upside down comforted her. She could not see them so she could not feel…

Empty.

The bottom half of the stack had made a fan of itself in her lap, cascading over the pleats and folds in her pants. They were the most difficult to look at, but she couldn't help herself. Her hands instinctually reached for them, curling around the sharp edges until they cut her fingers. She bled onto the corners, but didn't notice. She could only look at the happiness held there, in those moments of time she could never be a part of again:

Kagome and InuYasha together, on that hilltop at sunset.

Kagome and InuYasha together, draped beneath his _haori_.

Kagome and InuYasha together, with his arms around her.

Kagome and InuYasha together, with his lips pressed against her temple affectionately.

Kagome and InuYasha together, over and over and over again.

_You're…not coming back…_The photo was yellow and distorted in the light above her head, blurred sideways and slanted through her tears. She blinked and pushed herself upright. Pictures fell randomly, messily at her feet, but Kagome did not notice. She had one particular memory against her chest, where her heart ached in a physical, chest-wrenching pain. Her legs moved of their own accord, trudging through the snow on bare feet towards the Goshinboku. It looked dead in the darkness, but so peaceful covered in white.

"InuYasha…" Kagome whispered, falling to her knees before the great tree. She pressed the picture against her chest, as if wishing she could physically transport herself inside of it, back on that cool evening at twilight, where she and InuYasha had smiled so…easily. "InuYasha…where are you?" Tears poured, unrestrained from her eyes, hair falling from its tie at the nape of her neck. She felt all her composure slipping away, like _InuYasha's life from her hands_. And she could only cry, leaning forward until her forehead was pressed against the icy ground. "Why…why, InuYasha…why…did you…why…"

Wasn't it only yesterday that they had first met? When a fifteen year old Kagome had fallen through the well and awoken InuYasha from that slumber? Wasn't it just the other day that they had met the others, their friends, and traveled with them in that feudal era in the past, their present, always moving forward towards that one, glimmering horizon of hope: a world of freedom, without Naraku; without evil? What happened to those days that she had taken for granted…? Where was she now?

Eighteen and lost.

"I never…I never got to say it…I'm…I'm sorry, InuYasha!" she cried, gripping at her hair. The photo lay abandoned on the ground beside her, crimson edges curled slightly. His eyes were lit up in the sunset, warmly looking back at her. _It captures memories_. It does. _It keeps them forever_.

"I love you."

Even said aloud, the world did not stop. It continued to snow. Down the hundreds of stairs, Kagome could hear cars passing. Somewhere in the city of millions of people, a boy with those eyes was living his life as well. She, Kagome, was the only one who could not move on. She had made the mistake of not saying it aloud and that would forever hold her back. She would never be able to escape from stagnant time, prisoner to those three words he would never hear...

"InuYasha…where are you…? ...are you here, InuYasha…?" she asked, putting her bleeding, frozen hands together in prayer. Months of receiving no reply had left her knowing that there would be no answer. But still, on the night where she realized her dreams were long gone and where the Goshinboku looked so dead in a city that teemed with energy: the life she could not lead, Kagome had to cry out for him. "Please...p-please, InuYasha! Are you here?!"

_I'm here, Kagome_.

"Inu...Yasha…?" Kagome asked, eyes swollen from crying, her body aching with the fatigue of exhausted yearning. She could not lift her head to see if there was someone there or not. Imagination or reality, she didn't care. There had been an answer. InuYasha had finally said _I'm here _like she had been so desperately waiting for.

She had finally received her answer.

_You're going to get sick if you stay out here all night like that, stupid, _he said fondly. Was he tangible? She could only wonder, telling herself that beyond the cars in the distance and the wind blowing serenely through the trees, she could hear footsteps crunch in the snow.

"InuYasha…I'm sorry…InuYasha, I didn't…I-I can't…" she said in reply, unable to help herself. Once again, real or not, she had to say it. She had to tell him what she could not before. It seemed so real that she did not stop herself. After all, his voice was so clear in her head that it was almost beside her. It gave her more comfort than she could ever know.

_Kagome, don't cry_, he said.

"I…I can't help it…InuYasha…I-I miss you…I miss you so much…" Kagome wept. She did not want it to be a dream. And despite the cold and the misery she felt, it was the first time she experienced hope. InuYasha was _there_. She wanted it to last a little longer.

_You're helpless_, he said, a chuckle in his voice. Something warm fell over her shoulders. It smelled fresh, like herbs and tea and a warm fire on a moonlit evening.

"I know…I…I know I am. I can't…I can't live like this anymore, InuYasha! I can't live without _you_ anymore!" Kagome cried. He had died for her and yet, his sacrifice held no meaning. She would have rather to have died that day beside him instead of living without him by her side. "I love you! I can't…be separated from you…it feels like…it feels like I-I'm dying!" A warm weight rested against her back, reminding her of the times when InuYasha would fall asleep against her: that pleasant feeling of another person beside her made her tears continue to flow, unstoppable, even if she tried. It was just a reminder of everything that she had lost.

_Kagome…I'm sorry…_

"Stop it! Don't…don't say that!" she cried, shaking her head.

_Then stop crying. You know I hate seeing you cry_.

"How am I supposed to stop? How can I n-not cry when the person I-I love is gone?! H-How can I stop crying when you're not here, InuYasha?!" The night went quiet. It seemed as if the cars had stopped, the world had taken a moment for silence. Snow settled and became tranquil, still. The picture on the ground next to her was covered in a thin film of snowflakes: frozen smiles beneath translucent crystals. Her hands clenched into fists at the unfairness of everything. Even if...even if the world were to stop for just a moment and to acknowledge how she felt--what she had lost--they still would not understand. They would always have their lives and their destinies to look forward to. They would always have their matches and their pairs: their lovers, the ones they were meant to be with. And even if they took that moment of silence, of stopping and sympathizing, they would eventually leave her behind again. Because she could not move on without InuYasha. She could not survive in a world of pairs when she was alone. "InuYasha...how…how am I…can I…how can I live when _you're not here?!_"

"But I am here, Kagome."

He sounded so clear, so present beside her that her heart skipped a beat. Was it not a dream? Was InuYasha truly there with her? With what felt like the last bit of her strength, Kagome pushed herself up, the warmth away. Agitated, the snow rose up in a cloud of dust, her breath manifesting itself in a vapor before her. And beyond it, hazily, her eyes found the most beautiful shade of amber she had ever seen.

"Inu…Yasha…?" she murmured, shakily raising one of her hands to touch his cheek. He was warm. She was _touching him_. She could feel the muscles beneath her hand form a small smile that brought her to tears. "…are you….are you really here…?"

"Kagome, I've been here all along."

**pqpq**

Word Count: 2,692


End file.
